known by God.

to claim i was going through a 1/3 life crisis would be a bit dramatic and extreme, but i was definitely at a crossroad in my life. after one too many disappointments and an extremely difficult year behind me, i found myself simply jaded and apathetic. i purposely withdrew from my friends & became antisocial. as much as i hate to admit it, i was in a funk and felt like i was stuck in the movie groundhog day, just desperate for growth and change. even still, i kept telling my close friends that i take comfort in the fact that God knows me. i don't think i completely understood what this even meant or why it gave me peace. i just know it made me feel better, like everything was going to be ok.
while still feeling quite unsettled, a friend prayed for me and said exactly what i needed to hear without her even knowing. she said, "...felt like God knows. Just simply put. He knows you. He knows you inside out. He knows your desires. Your past. Your present. Your future. He knows your pains. Your secrets. He knows everything...He knows and ADORES you. so rest in that."
i was pretty shocked that she knew precisely how to pray for me and also felt confirmation that God really does know me. nonetheless, there was something that remained missing. just then, i read an email from another friend who had just reunited w/ her father after 15 years. she wrote, "I went there with a mission and hope to communicate my love for him but very soon, I realized that loving him was letting him love me and just be his child...Letting him BE MY FATHER, a caretaker, was the best way for me to love him..."
somehow this resonated so powerfully in my heart. i never had issues with my dad and if anything my parents were always almost too doting and affectionate with me, never leaving any room for doubt that they loved me unconditionally. and yet, somewhere along the way, i believed an outrageous lie that i was unlovable and unworthy of true, extravagant love.
i reflected back at my past relationships and realized i was always striving so hard to make sure the other person knew i loved them. i bought gifts, paid for dinners, read 700+ page books i had no interest in, baked, cooked, planned, pursued, initiated, and tried to overcompensate in order to prove i was lovable. i accepted way too little and convinced myself it was good enough. i was constantly settling even though i knew my soul was aching for more.
then, as if God was perfectly orchestrating all of this specifically for me and finally bringing the final pieces of the puzzle together, last night P.Joe preached on Galatians 4 and his sermon was titled "known by God." he basically said verbatim all the things i was feeling and sharing with my friends all week long. P.Joe reminded us of the fundamental and profound fact that we are fully known and fully loved by God- and we don't have to do anything. i was utterly floored and speechless. my heart unlocked, the lie disappeared and my perspective was transformed. like believing for the very first time, i accepted that God first pursued me, initiated a relationship w/ me, died for me, is captivated by me, knows every single thing about me, and i am the object of his affection. and the best part is, i don't have to do a thing. my faith increased to behold this liberating truth that God's approval and love is really more than enough. it freed me from needing to convince everyone else that i am lovable and worthy.
this is life changing, seriously. it changes absolutely everything and i'll never ever be the same.