Thursday, February 18, 2010

death by conjecture.

I wonder how much of what I come to conclude daily is based on conjecture: unruly, tantalizing, dangerous presumptions that cloud up my judgement and leave my mind in a disarray. And on the contrary, I would imagine that a very small percentage of my conclusions and beliefs, therefore my sentiments, are due to actual substantial, reliable and legitimate sources. Why is it then so tempting to give into the, for example, he-said-she-said route and forgo seeking out the truth? Serenity now! I can't count how many times I've been misled by assuming the worst, giving into this seduction of my mind to run with any thought, whether it be good or absolute garbage, and inevitably ruin what started off to be a peaceful morning. Some would call this self-sabotage, maybe even self-destruction. Whatever it is, it's not cool and it must stop. The disparity between reality and obscurity, regardless of how narrow or vast, leaves too much room for interpretation and possibly reading into something that never existed. It's scary to think how much we can convince ourselves to believe in something without any evidence, no proof or confirmation. So no matter how hard I try, I can't appreciate the appeal of the so-called mystery that some people or situations carry. I'd much rather prefer obvious and transparent over ambiguous anyday. (Ambiguity, YUCK, is the devil). Is it possible that this sort of behavior is prevalent in women? With that said, I'm vowing to no longer entertain or overanalyze thoughts provoked by unreliable, yet even seemingly innocent, sources. However, I realize this comes with the tradeoff of actually taking the responsibility to get down to the nitty gritty and demanding some real answers. No more sugarcoating or hiding. No more living in ignorant bliss, if there ever was such a thing. The truth will inevitably come out and set you free. Albeit potentially hurtful and/or messy, at the very least my mind will stop racing & leading me down a very dark slope. Like ripping off a band-aid or blitzing to get that tackle, deep breath, no turning back.

God, for the sake of my sanity...peace, please.