Monday, July 15, 2013

love letters.

around three months ago when J & i first started dating, i was stuck in the phase where i was still skeptical of everything and couldn't shake off an intense fear of commitment. i kept wanting to run away and hide b/c i figured that would be easier than actually confronting my deep rooted issues. one night i had a dream that my paranoia drove me to push J away and with tears streaming down my face i demanded proof of his love for me. in my dream J walked away, remarkably still confident and unaffected by my craziness.
shortly thereafter he came back to me with armfuls of handwritten letters, notebooks and manuscripts, and as he handed them to me he explained that's his proof that he loves me. when i woke up i immediately felt like God was speaking so loudly and clearly saying that's the bible- undeniable proof of His love & God's own handwritten love letter, signed and sealed, just for me. when i'm so quick to doubt and forget, God leads me to read His word from thousands of years ago and i'm convinced all over again of how extravagantly, intensely and faithfully He loves me.
i never shared the dream with J b/c i was waiting for just the right time.
the day that i left for zimbabwe, J asked me to come over to his house b/c he had something to give me. he hugged me extra tight, told me how amazing i am and said for the very first time, "i love you."
then he gave me a long handwritten letter, just like in my dream.
i finally got to say "i love you" and share my dream w/ him. i cried like a hot mess and J was just as cool as ever.
how can i not be in awe of God's love and perfect timing? so good.

I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.

For I will turn their mourning into joy
And will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow.

Jeremiah 31:3, 13