Friday, April 13, 2012
i hate breakups. even when i come across news of celebrities splitting up, complete strangers that i will never know in real life, i can't help but feel a sliver of sorrow and sadness for the once happy couple. so you can only imagine what my heart goes through when i'm actually part of the split. what bothers me is that one day you can promise your love to another individual, hold their hand and never dream of letting go, and somewhere in the daunting unforeseeable future you run the potential of morphing into mere acquaintances who barely have 2 words to say. where once you gazed into each others eyes and the rest of the world disappeared, now you find yourselves stealing forbidden glances in either direction for a second at a time. our hearts are so fickle and deceptive. they can be far too easily convinced to eat up anything sweet and alluring even just for a risky moment, all the while knowing in the back of our minds that we might regret this later. and when later finally comes, interactions turn cold and awkward, you no longer find absolutely everything the other does and says incredibly endearing and wonderful, and you forget what drew you together in the first place. why can't you say what you mean and mean what you say? how did you so abruptly change your mind already? when did promises and vows stop mattering and losing its value? i realize i sound like a little kiddie who didn't get to go to disneyland after mom and dad pinky swore. yeah, i guess to a certain extent i'm just dewy-eyed and naive and although my past hasn't accurately exemplified this, i do believe in true radical love above all things. when i tell you i love you, i mean it with my whole heart and forever. i love deeply because i don't know any other way. in the past, i used to reason that when a relationship didn't pan out the way i expected or hoped that meant i wasn't worth fighting for. so in my credulous state, i would convince myself that i have to try harder and be better next time. love more. strive more. give more. lies lies lies. i couldn't have been more wrong. it's true that the heart wants what it wants and we can't control who we choose to love. but there is an element of wisdom and discernment that we need to heed to instead of being led entirely out of passion and a need to fill a void. oy vey. if only we trusted and believed all that He has in store for us, we would be willing to wait and never settle or compromise. after lots of mistakes and tough lessons learned, i discovered that it's impossible to give your heart away so recklessly and haphazardly when you've already given it all to Jesus. it's not mine to give away anymore and this is the only way it's kept safe until that one comes along who will be sincere and honoring enough to go to God for permission to take my hand and have my heart. when it's all said and done, we were made for extravagant love and endless pleasure so it's no wonder that artificial substitutes and temporary fixes fail us and make us sick. oh, the things i desperately wish my daughter will know at an early age and not be stubborn like her mom.
The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
“I the LORD search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct,
according to what their deeds deserve.”