Monday, October 14, 2013

just in time.

we were sitting in bumper to bumper traffic last friday night on the way back home to jersey. given that i was famished and felt the weight of a long week at work that accompanies most fridays, one can expect that i was cranky and on the verge of losing my temper with each red light and taxi cab that cut us off. maybe i was outwardly a tad bit irritable but it was mostly alleviated by an intense calming joy and peace in my heart. earlier that evening J drove into the city with his childhood friend to make a special purchase and pickup from 47th street. excited and anxious, i rode the subway from my office and made plans to meet him right outside of the store. with J half an hour behind schedule, still numerous blocks away from the destination, and the store nearing closing time, i was losing patience and letting my paranoia get the best of me- again. my crazy imagination ran away with me as i started entertaining all these dramatic and sad scenarios- he changed his mind, he's not coming, i have to go home alone. i kept staring at each passing car, willing the next one to be J's, all the while feeling the knot in my stomach grow. with my gaze still fixated on the road i almost missed J running toward me at full speed, gasping and frantically looking for the entrance to the store, yet still managing to give me a quick smile. while he continued to rush upstairs, i waited outside and laughed to myself as i pictured J running (J hates running) through the crowded streets of nyc to make it in time and keep his word. although my fears quickly disappeared with his arrival, i rebuked myself in frustration for holding on so tightly to my plans and strict timeline after promising myself i'd let go of this chronic habit. time and time again, i'm finding that i need to give up my insistence for control of my life and accept that God and His glorious plans may not fit in my perfectly structured box. J came out of left field when my focus was elsewhere, like serendipity. this time i vow to fix my eyes on Jesus alone and allow Him to lead me through the rest. and when i get off track and need Him to hold my hand and bring me back every once in a while, thank God for His gentle kindness and saving grace. forever changed by His love- one day at a time.

"You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."- The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

Here I stand humbled by the love that You give, 
Forgiven so that I can forgive.
So here I stand, 
Knowing that I am Your design, 
Sanctified by glory and fire.
And now I've found the greatest love of all is mine, 
Since You laid down Your life, 
The greatest sacrifice

Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed but alive in Your hands 

Forever I am changed by Your love
In the presence of Your Majesty