Monday, February 28, 2011

one and only

You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face

God only knows
Why it's taken me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared
I've been here before
Every feeling, every word
I've imagined it all
You'll never know, if you never try
To forgive your past, and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be
Your one and only
Promise I'm worth it
To hold in your arms
So come on
And give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

If I've been on your mind
You hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name

Will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me
Whichever road I choose you'll go

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

one & only. adele.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

i lied.

i figure it's about time i finally confront this or maybe it's just that now i'm wholeheartedly committed to make a fresh start. either way, i'm acknowledging and believing that sometimes things have to fall apart in order to make room for something much greater. thus, this week i began to pray very simply for God to renew my mind, heal my heart and give me eyes to see His perspective.
as expected and feared i started crying, uncontrollably, as God began to unlock very specific, painful memories that i never wished to revisit. since the beginning of the new year, i've been in denial about certain things that occurred. and after an atrocious night when i couldn't imagine how anything could get any worse, my heart shut down and i lost my mind the next day when the cops came to my house and eluded to the possibility of sis being kidnapped/missing with her car abandoned in a shady area. frantic and utterly hysterical, i believed i was being punished by losing the most important person in my life. (obviously, it turned out she was totally fine). although it's very uncharacteristic of me to do so, i brushed everything under the rug, just incredibly desperate to erase it all & be the stronger one. i accepted apologies almost arrogantly & very coldly saying "i already know you're sorry" & "it's fine" like a robot. all my actions were very matter of fact and proud, never allowing this person to see me cry or give any hint that i might be hurt. subconsciously, i just continued to play along but in the back of my mind i always knew things weren't ok, not even a little bit. maybe it was just about not losing or giving him the satisfaction. i also just wanted to be the merciful one, forgiving quickly and saying that i'll still pray for him because i still loved him as my friend. as twisted as it sounds, i extended grace only as a defense mechanism because this was easier than admitting how much i was hurting inside.
but now i'm realizing that by pretending to be strong and put together, i was denying myself the opportunity to properly grieve for the incident. for the first time ever, i confessed (to God and myself) that it's NOT ok. i lied when i said it was. it's not as if i'm retracting my forgiveness or holding a grudge. i'm just trying to face reality, albeit harsh and daunting, and receive real healing so i can move on, healthy and whole. truthfully, i feel like i put myself in this predicament in the first place by believing i was strong enough for the both of us. i tried to fix something that had no quick solution & save someone i had no control over. so during this whole process, i'm learning to genuinely forgive myself too and discovering that i should be unapologetic about putting myself first when necessary. no more lies or putting on a front. God, i need Your restoration all over again.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


i'm stuck trying to find a happy medium between saying too much and nothing at all. this is atypical of me because i'm usually not one to be at a loss for words. in the past i've always shared exactly how i'm feeling or what's on my mind, saying things i would most likely regret the next day. i had no problem with confrontation, not really considering the backlash or how i might come off. and now, as i'm growing up and becoming somewhat wiser, i'm learning to hold my tongue, and not just for my sake but for the sake and sanity of others. even if i wanted to, this time i honestly don't know how to put into words a proper explanation that will make sense or bring any clarity. so here we are. just mute. maybe it's better to say nothing at all, to save face and not risk being incredibly vulnerable, even if it means possibly hurting the one i'm being silent to. perhaps it's more beneficial to let them conjure up their own assumptions, however inaccurate or deluded, of what's going on than to lay out the truth. because the reality is i want to say everything you want to hear but won't let myself. not this time. i want to share with you something that made me laugh out loud yesterday, ask you how you're doing, say how much i miss being your friend. i want to tell you that this isn't about my pride or winning or losing. afterall, in the end it all comes down to love. so without carefully articulated words, in my silence and stillness, i hope this truth is louder than any false conjecture.