Tuesday, August 16, 2011

so good.

there are quite a few random regrets and hidden ambitions from my past that i've completely forgotten about until just recently when i realized that God remembers even our tiniest, unspoken desires. ever since i attended design school in new york city, i always regretted not attending a university with an actual campus, complete with the dorm life, cafeteria food and community atmosphere (i lived off campus). when i arrived at YWAM in july, i was reminded of this wish from so many years ago and just smiled to myself, thanking God for providing exactly what i longed for. several months ago, i shared with my small group at church that my dream job would be to travel and blog. and here i am, blogging from hawaii, on the brink of heading to the middle east next month and who knows what country i'll be blogging from after that. 10 years ago when our family went through the darkest and most painful season- chapter 11 bankruptcy after 9/11, hopelessness and deep depression, failure after failure- it was nearly impossible to see God in the midst. years later when i was even more broken and desperate than ever before, i started to proclaim joel 2:25-27 for myself and my family. The Lord says, I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts. It was I who sent this great destroying army against you. Once again you will have all the food you want, and you will praise the Lord your God, who does these miracles for you. Never again will my people be disgraced. Then you will know that I am among my people Israel, that I am the Lord your God, and there is no other. Never again will my people be disgraced. 10 years later, and i'm witnessing the overwhelming goodness of God's restoration and His extraordinary favor. as i reflect back on even just the past couple months, i'm seeing His ridiculous joy, crazy love and legitimately supernatural provisions for my family. He is faithful, even when we neglect our requests that we've been bringing to Him for years. He is better than we can ever imagine, greater than we could ever hope for. a couple weeks into DTS, someone approached me during a ministry time and simply said, "i felt like God just wanted me to tell you that He is faithful to your desires. He sees all the desires you have in your heart and He'll be faithful to them all." honestly, given my limited scope, my initial disposition was that this word was only about my future husband and family. so i kind of just brushed it aside and didn't think much about it. last week, i really felt like the Lord was giving me a destiny dream for NK. i was excited but still wanted confirmation that this was indeed God calling me. while i was praying one day, psalm 37 was highlighted to me and i was so convinced that God was speaking to me about NK- the wicked being destroyed and the innocent possessing the land and receiving an everlasting inheritance. although it took me about an hour to notice, i was floored as i read the beginning of the chapter in verse 4, Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desire. it brought me back to the prophecy a few weeks earlier. He is faithful to this desire in my heart to be sent to NK. this is just one of many ways He's been speaking to me specifically about my dream. i confess though, last weekend, i struggled so much as i took this calling on as a burden. i felt completely inundated with unhealthy fears and sadness. i couldn't shake off unsettled anxieties and just felt weird and restless about it all. then the past couple days, it's as if God has been calling me by name, speaking powerfully & directly to me through others. it's not about my plans. it's all about His presence. i forgot to keep the main thing, the main thing. life is just about being loved by God, remaining in His presence and enjoying Him. the rest of life is lived through revelations of His love as it overflows to everything else. this truth released so much light and peace into my heart. all i have to do is delight in His presence. God, can it be that You are this good? it's true. You are so good. be my everything, Jesus.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

just a border.

although i typically sleep soundly throughout the night, i was awakened last week at 2:30 am with an urgency in my heart to pray for NK. i felt like God was specifically impressing on me to intercede for repentant and God-fearing leaders and open doors into the country. there was a desperation in the deepest part of me that longed to be used and sent out to the children in NK. this is nothing brand new. being korean myself, i grew up with the knowledge of the propaganda & lies, extreme depravity & inhumane living conditions. it was nearly impossible to not weep & be broken for them because after all, north or south, we are korean. in the past, i subconsciously dismissed my inclination and responsibility of sharing God's heart by substituting my burden with a monthly donation to organizations that help to bring liberation in NK. but it's not enough anymore that i just simply give financially. my heart has literally been aching and i believe i'm getting a tiny glimpse into the heart of the Father. the following couple of days, i was wrestling with this idea of being called to full-time missions. my motives were seriously questioned and i thought perhaps i prematurely reacted out of my over-zealous emotions and hype. out of fear, i started planning out how i could secure my safe and comfortable life back at home with my family. i asked myself straight up if this could actually happen- if i was positively ready and willing to give up everything to pursue this invitation and calling to be sent out to the nations. all in or all out. as i closed my eyes and continued to wrestle within myself, i saw an image of me standing outside in the middle of a dirty village, holding a malnourished baby in my arms. i knew then that this is real and claimed in faith that i will serve the hopeless and neglected in NK one day very soon. there's no turning back. before i came to ywam in july, my parents asked me where i would like to go for outreach. without hesitation, my first response was NK. they weren't exactly thrilled with my answer but still somewhat reluctantly supportive. mom and dad were born in the same year that the korean war ceased, 1953, and left the separation between the north and the south. i have just recently begun to grasp that the only thing that sets me apart from the north koreans is a border. something as trivial and yet extremely significant and consequential as a border separates us. that is it. a border is the reason why my entire family lives in freedom. a border is the reason my sis, friends and i are alive and healthy. the fact that my mom and dad were born on the south side of a border is why i'm here today. this revelation just destroys me.

God, send me.

For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.
for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.
The blameless spend their days under the LORD’s care,
and their inheritance will endure forever.
In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
but the LORD will not leave them in the power of the wicked
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
Hope in the LORD
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.

Psalm 37: 9-11, 17-19, 33-34

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

responding to ridiculous love.

who am i that Jesus would love me and call me His bride? i am His beloved! i'm so utterly convinced that the ruler of the universe is enthralled by me and captivated by one glance of my eyes. and although this makes me blush when i put it in writing, i'm aware that i absolutely ravish His heart. i can't help but smile and even laugh out loud when i attempt to grasp how outrageous and extensive His love is. actually, i think we crack up at each other because of our mutual radical love for one another. Jesus spins around violently, dances with pure delight and sings His love song over me. it's ludicrous. and it's real. His love for me doesn't make sense because i'm so undeserving of something so extravagant and passionate. nevertheless, He calls me worthy and He died to rescue me and give me life. if i spent everyday for the next hundred years just responding to the revelations of His love for me, it still wouldn't be enough. but God, now You have my heart. i can't believe i get to waste the rest of my life in this beautiful, reckless abandonment to You. let my highest affections, all my strength, and my greatest hope and joy belong to You alone. let every other lover pale in comparison to You. i am devastated by Your love, Jesus. You make my soul sing.

ex·trav·a·gant   [ik-strav-uh-guhnt]
1. spending much more than is necessary or wise; wasteful: an extravagant shopper.
2. excessively high: extravagant expenses; extravagant prices.
3. exceeding the bounds of reason, as actions, demands, opinions, or passions.
4. going beyond what is deserved or justifiable: extravagant praise.
5. Obsolete . wandering beyond bounds.

Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the LORD rises upon you.
See, darkness covers the earth
and thick darkness is over the peoples,
but the LORD rises upon you
and his glory appears over you.
Nations will come to your light,
and kings to the brightness of your dawn.
“Lift up your eyes and look about you:
All assemble and come to you;
your sons come from afar,
and your daughters are carried on the hip.
Then you will look and be radiant,
your heart will throb and swell with joy;
Isaiah 60:1-5

Monday, August 1, 2011

making much of God.

if we're really honest with ourselves, most of us are guilty of limiting God and the extent of his power and love. we factor in our flawed past, miserable failures and endless shortcomings and immediately disqualify ourselves for greatness. whether we realize it or not, we diminish the authority we carry that we received when we became adopted sons and daughters of the Most High and our identity as a royal priesthood is lost somewhere in the midst of the mediocrity we imprison ourselves in. the enemy stunts our minds to only see with our eyes and judge by experience so that we neglect to include God in the equation. what dreams and aspirations that remain are then only attained by our striving, all the while tirelessly building up our credentials and self-worth. we so easily forget that we serve the almighty King of Kings who makes the impossible possible. so we settle for much less than what God is desiring to give us because we don't really believe in His restoration and redemption. i confess, even as i died to certain areas in my life, i still let doubt creep in and trample on my faith on a God who is mightier. so i silenced what was happening and chose to fight instead for His promise specifically for my family. the more i interceded and asked for His heart for our situation, He began to show me how jealous He is for our love and devotion and that we needed to forsake every other lover. with profound revelation of His love, i was able to surrender various parts of our lives and i had faith that as we died, God would resurrect us by His grace and power alone. the answer i got while praying a few weeks ago was simply "yes," but that this was more than just an advancement in career, prestigious reputation, or for the sake of a secure future. He wants to use us to carry His light & hope, bring revival to the lost and glory and honor to His name. we got the call today. the answer was "YES." JESUS. You really do make all things beautiful just in time. it's perfect. and once again, i'm incredibly humbled and in awe of You.

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love