Thursday, August 23, 2012

waiting for sunday.

i was reading the end of john this morning about Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection like i've done probably a hundred times before. this time though, i couldn't help but be fixated and filled with curiosity and wonder about that forsaken day in between- no doubt the longest day in history but comprised of just a couple paragraphs in the bible. i typically glide right through the passage and rarely reflect on that daunting saturday that falls between good friday and resurrection sunday. to roughly quote a speaker from dtc (i'm drawing a blank on her name) this past semester, "it was the most hopeless day." so succinct and accurate. i can't imagine waking up the next morning after such a gut wrenching and tragic evening- wishing it was all just a horrible nightmare and praying for the pain of loss to dissipate or at least be alleviated. i'm familiar w/ that sentiment where i literally hurt all over from mental and emotional trauma and exhaustion, however obviously paling in comparison, and i never want to be in that place ever again. mary, the disciples and followers, his family- they didn't expect that the very next day Jesus would rise from the dead, straight up walk out of the tomb and show up to where they were meeting. Jesus, of course, knew from the beginning of time what would happen that sunday...but the others didn't. the heavy weight of the darkness and despair from that saturday lifted and quickly turned into a glorious culmination of the greatest redemption and fulfillment of everything they dared to believed. mourning turned into dancing. sadness turned into unspeakable joy.
to put it bluntly, and at the risk of sounding dramatic for the sake of being dramatic (w/o the intention), i feel like it's been a long saturday. i remember talking myself up as i was walking to the office a few weeks ago after getting off at the wrong subway stop because i was in such a hazy daze. i kept trying to recall what my sis & friends would tell me whenever crap happens- this is making you stronger, it's building your character, you're resilient. stop. enough. reminding myself of all of this just made me more resentful and angry, not necessarily at God, just angry in general. i asked rhetorically, yet emphatically seeking an answer, "what do i need to be so strong for?" i'd rather not. when i was done venting an abrupt stillness immediately came over me and i felt like God simply replying, "you have no idea." whoa. i kinda just shut up at that point as i wiped away the steady flow of tears and decided to trust Him. i really don't have a clue as to what He's preparing me for or how He's going to use me but i got a feeling He's up to something good. it certainly has been a long saturday, but i'm still holding out- with butterflies in my stomach and a full heart- for sunday.

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this

You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this