sometimes your best traits can also be your biggest downfall. i'm an eternal optimist, hopeful against all odds and i really seek out the good in people...almost to a fault. i don't think it's so much that i believe i'm the exception to any rule. i'd like to think it's more that i tend to see past the flaws and junk and find the potential and beauty in others. nonetheless, i'm sporadically reminded that maybe i trust too easily and give people the benefit of the doubt when it's completely undeserved and unwarranted. and once again, this self reflection makes me pretty paranoid. i mean, does this simply mean i have horrible judgement in character and i'm too naive? should i be more selective about who i make myself available to and just give into judging them by their reputation and past? whose standards am i living by anyways? i don't want to jump on the bandwagon of general consensus because i don't think these situations are ever that black and white.
WWJD? as inappropriate or crazy as it sounds, i doubt Jesus ever regretted trusting judas and choosing him as one of the original 12 disciples. and i can't imagine Jesus weighing if someone was deserving enough of his grace and love before he extended healing and salvation. i'm pretty sure Jesus knew that by caring as much as he did, it meant he was risking being hurt and taken advantage of. i don't mean to compare my careless and reckless love with Jesus's perfect love. just makes me wonder if the converse, being so rigid and guarded, isn't exactly what Jesus had in mind either. honestly, you can't calculate relationships or make logical sense of them.
i know i take risks and gamble and lose every once in a while, but i can't say i ever regret having taken those chances. as tempting as it is to claim, it wasn't a waste of time. and in retrospect, i really did learn a ton about myself from those relationships and experiences. now that i'm aware that this is how i am, my responsibility now is balancing being overly accepting and loving and actually protecting my heart. even given this flaw, depending on how you see it, i'm thankful that God has made me so resilient and strong- that i am able to bounce back without ever becoming too jaded or broken beyond repair and no matter what happens, i believe in love as if i've never been hurt at all. i trust that God is ultimately protecting my heart and preparing me for someone who is actually worthy and really resembles Jesus. through all the mistakes, i'm learning what it means to be wise and have integrity, if even for the sake of my future husband and my own well-being. i know i can't just give my heart away or become emotionally dependent on just anyone because i feel lonely every once in a while. i mean, what's the point, really? looking back, yes, maybe i would've done things differently and i can wish all i want for a second chance or a restart button, but in the end i think it's all eventually leading me to where i'm supposed to be and where i'm headed. thank God for providence.
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