30

i confess i can be such a brat sometimes, maybe more often than i'd like to admit. last week i caught myself talking back to my mom, retorting with some know-it-all comment, immediately regretting that i don't follow her lead by speaking more lovingly to her. i don't recall what i quipped back in passing or even what the context was, but i do remember feeling like an absolute jerk b/c the only things that ever come out of my mom's mouth are full of grace, love and wisdom. to make me feel even worse, although this obviously was not her intention, i came home a couple nights later to discover that she bought me a new coat, just because- icing on my undeserved delicious cake. whether it's due to my birth order or b/c i was a spoiled kid, or maybe the serpent and eve from the garden are to blame, but i have such a rebellious spirit. whenever anyone in authority asks me to anything or tells me what i should do, my response is automatically "no" or "maybe later." goodness, it's like reflex. the stranger thing is, i usually always end up doing it. i'm like the first son in Matthew 21-

 ²⁸ “What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’²⁹ “‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went.

in my defense, albeit not a very good one, i'm almost always eventually obedient. in the meantime i'm reckless, i make lots of mistakes, i learn lessons the hard way and i'm stubborn. the first two weeks of the new year were largely spent in bed, unable to do anything productive b/c of the flu. i did, however, reflect a ton on what expectations and desires i have for 2013. i'm deeply grateful for the experiences in my life that brought me to exactly where i am now, but i believe a lot of the pain and heartache could have been avoided and lessened had i been compliant and agreeable from the start. oh, my wandering heart, please be tame. this is no time to mess around. there is too much at stake and more of Jesus i need to behold. i have one more week until i enter the big 3-0 and i'm actually really looking forward to shaking off all the dirt from my twenties to pursue hard after God with more clarity, passion and obedience. first let's fall in love. then we'll change the world. first things first. 

¹ I will exalt you, Lord,
    for you lifted me out of the depths
    and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
² Lord my God, I called to you for help,
    and you healed me.
³ You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
    you spared me from going down to the pit.

⁴ Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
    praise his holy name.
⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
    but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
    but rejoicing comes in the morning.

⁶ When I felt secure, I said,
    “I will never be shaken.”
⁷ Lord, when you favored me,
    you made my royal mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
    I was dismayed.

⁸ To you, Lord, I called;
    to the Lord I cried for mercy:
⁹ “What is gained if I am silenced,
    if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
    Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
¹⁰ Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;
    Lord, be my help.”

¹¹ You turned my wailing into dancing;
    you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
¹² that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
    Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

Psalm 30