Thursday, January 31, 2013

confidence in His love.

the cute and spunky girl who hands me my newspaper on my way to work calls me "boo boo" or "babycakes." as trivial and silly as it sounds, these terms of endearment brighten my mornings and make me smile. multiple times throughout any given day, my parents- especially my dad, tell me how strong, wonderful and beautiful i am to the point where it would be odd if a day went by without them verbalizing how much they love and adore me. i didn't notice until just recently the extent of how much i'm affected by words of affirmation. (it's one of my top 2 love languages- http://www.5lovelanguages.com/). maybe this is a sign of deep rooted insecurities, or just human nature, but i feel validated and like i'm on top of the world when someone is consistently paying attention to me, offering up sporadic compliments or genuinely asks how i'm doing. i think my downfall comes when i come to rely on the exhortation from people more than Jesus. in short, i'm a sucker for sweet talk.
in my small group last sunday, we were discussing our calling and purpose in life. regardless of where we are in our walks with God, it's what everyone is inadvertently or very attentively searching and yearning for- the meaning of life and where i fit in. when that big question mark is answered, it liberates and launches us like nothing else has the power to do. so as i was spending some quiet time w/ the Lord on monday night, i got to thinking about my purpose and direction. my head was filled with so many questions and requests- God, am i on the right track? can you please give me some sort of confirmation? should i move? what's the next step? ugh. it was all pretty overwhelming, not to mention, confusing.
then something kinda spectacular happened that i still haven't been able to fully grasp. i got this massive revelation that the primary purpose of my life is simply to love and worship God. my main calling is to fall madly in love with Jesus and be transformed into His image from glory to glory. whoa. it's still blowing my mind and resonating in my heart as i'm typing this out. my unadulterated and uncomplicated identity is to be a worshiper and lover- beyond what i can do for Him, as if He really needs my help anyways. as conceited or self-centered as it sounds, i realized no one else sings to Him the way i do. no one shares the same inside jokes or intimate conversations that are just between us. so am i carrying out today what i was eternally made for, or am i still waiting for a sign?
what's even more amazing is that we are only able to respond to Him with love b/c He loved and chose us first.
We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19 
these are not just empty, fluffy words. one of the greatest struggles that i'm facing right now is that the most profound and shattering truths are watered down with familiarity. instead of such revelations unfolding and impacting my life with time, it just becomes as inconsequential as the newspaper girl calling me babycakes. what if i truly believed that i was created for extravagant love with a perfect and almighty God? how differently would i live each day if i knew deep in my soul that Jesus is enthralled by a single glance in my direction? would that be enough to validate me or will i keep searching for more? i wonder what would happen if all the other voices were silenced and there was no one around to affirm me. one thing's for sure, i'd be desperate and would do anything to hear God's voice. it feels like i'm in that place...& it's really, really hard.
i believe what makes me a good daughter is the fact that i'm fully convinced of my parents' commitment and love for me and i'm able to live in that reality. in many ways, their love justifies me and gives me confidence to boldly love them back w/o fear or worry that they will disappoint. i have zero doubts that they would do absolutely everything within their means and ability to make me happy and provide for all my desires.
i need this sort of confidence in Jesus's love.
i remember when i literally used to blush when i would think about God's love for me. it was overwhelming and too good to be true...and i believed it.
take me to that place again.

let love win

No comments:

Post a Comment