“Show me, Lord, my life’s end
and the number of my days;
let me know how fleeting my life is.
5 You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Everyone is but a breath,
even those who seem secure. Psalm 39: 4-5
being that i'm risk adverse and a creature of habit, i feel safe and secure with routine and familiarity. i do not respond well to change unless i'm in control of it and it's meticulously plotted out. i kinda hate this about me. although i talk a lot and always encourage others to dream big and have a vision and purpose that is beyond our wildest imaginations, i confess i'm easily pleased with so little. i get comfortable and complacent and i'm way too willing to just settle. not to give him too much credit, but i think one of the enemy's most tragic schemes is to keep us from greatness & glory by punking us to be satisfied with just enough- to the point where we don't even have an appetite for more.
last week i was chatting with a friend about how our days were going and i said something to her along the lines of, "i'm really busy today but i'm so glad b/c the day is going by so fast." oh gosh i can't believe i said that. before you know it, a lifetime will pass us by with the busyness of our elaborate schedules filled with brunches, meetings, and dates made in vain. idleness will leave its ugly consequences if passion doesn't shake and overwhelm us.
for the past several years i've been pondering eternity. the natural progression of my thoughts always leads me to examine my life- what excites and consumes my heart, what i'm investing my time in, and what compromises i am making. pretty heavy stuff. i've concluded that what i'm living for, or not living for, impacts more than just me and those i surround myself with right now. whether i like it or not, my daily actions have implications for my future generations and furthermore, my eternal outcome. ok talk about conviction.
Many are the plans in a person’s heart,
but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19: 21
this is either humorous, pathetic or extremely liberating and reassuring (depending on one's perspective, i guess) but nothing ever seems to go my way. (stop planning, jini). naturally i get disappointed at first but given enough time and hindsight to understand, i'm utterly relieved to rediscover that i don't hold the master plan. not even close. yeah, i make choices b/c i'm not a robot and my decisions will lead me to journey down one path or detour through another. but my ultimate destiny, the awesome and glorious calling and purpose that the Lord has on my life, is not under my control and i can't run away from it.
i'm reading through genesis and i'm discouraged by so many things- generational curses, the perpetuation of sin throughout history, the innate evil in humans, the harshness of God's wrath. but more than all of those, i love the redemption, the fulfillment of promises- however delayed or prolonged, and God's furious commitment to us that takes us out of darkness into eternity with Him. forever. and ever.
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
the last time i felt this stirring in my heart and hunger for more, i ended up in hawaii and israel for 6 months. i wonder where my desires will take me this time ;)
YOLO!
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