fear of the Lord

Where "the Gospel" is shared, it comes across something like this: "God accepts you just as you are. God has unconditional love for you." that is not biblical Gospel, however. the Gospel is better than unconditional love. the Gospel says, "God accepts you just as Christ is. God has 'contraconditional' love for you." Christ bears the curse you deserve. Christ is fully pleasing to the Father and gives you His own perfect goodness. Christ reigns in power, making you the Father's child and coming close to you to begin to change what is unacceptable to God about you. God never accepts me "as I am." He accepts me "as I am in Jesus Christ."The center of gravity is different. The true Gospel does not allow God's love to be sucked into the vortex of the soul's lust for acceptability and worth in and of itself. Rather, it radically decenters people- what the Bible calls "fear of the Lord" and "faith"- to look outside themselves.

Jesus says to take up our cross daily, dying to the false gods we fabricate, and learning to walk in fellowship with Him who is full of grace to help us. Receptivity to God's love- "The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want"- is the absolutely necessary prerequisite for any sort of active obedience to God.

Let the Kingdom be always before you; and believe steadfastly concerning things that are invisible. Let nothing that is on this side of the other world get within you. Set your faces like a flint; you have all power in heaven and earth on your side.

[We] remember, amid hard combat with world, flesh, and Devil, the Celestial City which is [our] destination, and the Lord Jesus who beckons [us] to life.

-Idols of the Heart and "Vanity Fair." David Powlison.



If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," and again, "The Lord will judge his people." It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. Hebrews 10:26-31

He found me.

i was watching August Rush this afternoon and was reminded of five months ago when the Lord revealed to me so intimately that He knows me. i was desperate to be found and i didn't even know i was lost. but He called me by my name, spoke tenderly to me and said i am fully known and perfectly loved by Him. it's as if He removed my blindfold, opened up my eyes, and let me see for the very first time. looking back now, i'm forever grateful for this massive revelation that radically transformed my life. this was not a casual, everyday occurrence. it was pivotal, crucial, and probably the most significant event in my walk with Jesus since becoming saved. i kept claiming then that this would completely change everything but i had no idea how or what it would look like. i would've never imagined this for myself- living for months in hawaii and israel, more restoration than i could have dreamed of praying for, and my heart to be whole again and so secure in love. and to think, it was just one particularly fine day and one essential truth that set me free and gave me life again. all it took was one glance into the heart of the Father to rock my world and make me fall so much in love. Jesus, thank you for letting me be found by You.

You called my name
Reached out Your hand
Restored my life
And I was redeemed
The moment You entered my life

Amazing grace
Christ gave that day
My life was changed
When from my shoulders
Fell the weight of my sin

Consume my thoughts
As I rest in You
I'm now in love
With a Saviour
Bearing the marks of His love



Wizard: What do you want to be in the world? I mean, the whole world,
what do you want to be? Close your eyes and think about that.
August Rush: Found.

Let it die.

there's a fine line between having faith in the goodness of God and equating the good things of God with who He actually is. when the lines are blurred, we run the risk of stepping over the boundary into being offended at Him when we don't physically see the goods in front of us. don't misunderstand, i have faith for the fulfillment of the prophecies and promises over my life and i press on to believe that He is faithful to my heart's desires. i trust that they are good and true and i claim them to come into fruition in His perfect time. but what if those things never come to pass or they look different than the way i initially perceived them to be given my limited perspective? will my heart turn away from the Lord if they don't look exactly the way i hoped and prayed for? am i so insistent and already set on my own agenda that i don't give the Lord free reign over my life? even worse, am i treasuring the fulfillment of my desires more than i seek His presence, more than God Himself? i know even beneficial and pure things run the risk of slowly taking the place of God in our hearts. we can take our calling & destiny dream that He has imparted to us and allow it to become our identity and security. we can take ownership to the point where it's not His plan for us anymore, it's just mine. to be on the safe side, i know what i need to do. i need to lay it down at His feet, let it die and trust that He will resurrect it when i'm ready. there is nothing i want to compete with His Lordship over my life. so i'm dying, once again, to the desires in my heart even though i am confident they are from His heart. i'm letting go and killing it before it threatens to consumes more of me than it was ever supposed to do. there's nothing i hold onto, my hands are wide open.

from Tozer's The Pursuit of God-

Abraham was old when Isaac was born, old enough indeed to have been his grandfather, and the child became at once the delight and idol of his heart... The baby represented everything sacred to his father's heart: the promises of God, the covenants, the hopes of the years and the long messianic dream... It was then that God stepped in to save both father and son from the consequences of an uncleansed love...Possibly not again until a Greater than Abraham wrestled in the Garden of Gethsemane did such mortal pain visit a human soul... He would offer his son as God had directed him to do, and then trust God to raise him from the dead.

"I only wanted to remove him from the temple of your heart that I might reign unchallenged there. I wanted to correct the perversion that existed in your love."

The sense of possession which they connote was gone from his heart. Things had been cast out forever. They had now become external to the man. His inner heart was free from them.
We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety; this is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him, and nothing is really safe which is not so committed.

life is love.

i'm living in a completely foreign land. i don't know the language. there is no target or mcdonalds in sight. everyone looks different than i do. nothing is familiar. so as i'm sitting alone at breakfast (without my morning coffee...oh, i miss coffee), i'm awestruck once again at how insignificant i am given this new worldview perspective. do i even matter, this face in the crowd? it's easy to get caught up in this mentality that life is all about me. too often than i'd like to admit, my mind is consumed with ME- how i present myself, my future, my comfort, my desires, even my Jesus. during college, i had a bit of an epiphany one day about life. i remember it well because it really depressed me and also i recall writing a blog on xanga about it (omg, remember xanga?). it started with just thinking about the board game LIFE. the more i thought about it, the more upset i got. what was going on before the game started and what happens after it's over? it's as if out of boredom and with a snap of a finger, these make believe lives were created, and the next minute it was over. so meaningless! what's the point? i paralleled it to my own life. i'm here for a second and then i'm gone. the problem with this bunny trail is finding the way back so we're not stuck in a funk. the only comforting remedy is discovering love in the midst of feeling so small. love gives purpose. it's the reason we were created. WE WERE MADE FOR LOVE. stop and let that really settle in. how utterly magnificent and beautiful is that? our sole purpose is for love, and not just with someone as finite and limited as we are, but first and foremost with our perfect creator God. He existed before the world began and He'll still be here when everything and everyone fades away. this is the life we are called to live. A story about a time, a story about a place, a story about the people. But above all things, a story about love. A love that will live forever.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. -Moulin Rouge

i was made for this
i was made for pleasure
to gaze on the one i love
to live in sweet surrender
and by your precious blood
now i may boldly enter
into the beauty of your heart

faithful to my heart's desire.

"We can exaggerate about many things; but we can never exaggerate our obligation to Jesus, or the compassionate abundance of the love of Jesus to us. All our lives long we might talk of Jesus, and yet we should never come to an end of the sweet things that might be said of Him. Eternity will not be long enough to learn all He is, or to praise Him for all He has done, but then, that matters not; for we shall be always with Him, and we desire nothing more." Federick Faber

how is it possible that the pure goodness of our Lord has no end and even our greatest, wildest thoughts of Him still fall short of who He really is? we behold our Father based on our own ideals and the limitations of our fantasies. we think He's awesome, but He's even better than we could ever begin to imagine. my definition of "good" is constantly being ruined and redefined by His overwhelming faithfulness in my life and as a witness of Jesus at work in others' lives. those secret dreams we keep sacred in our hearts are crying out to be fulfilled. but oftentimes we deter from dreaming so big in fear that we're just simply being foolish. distrusting our God, we convince ourselves that it's too good to ever be true. and then at just the right time, Jesus breaks in and dares us to believe that He's willing and able to give us our heart's desire- and more! abraham believed and it was credited to him as righteousness! as we step out with arms wide open in surrender and expectation, He satisfies the hope we carry into completion because He himself is our hope. the crazy thing is, i actually have faith that He is that good. as i see His plans for me unfold one layer at a time, i'm experiencing His beauty and glory afresh that it commands my soul to respond in worship and thanksgiving. in the midst of yearning for more of His presence, His desires become my desires. so why would He withhold Himself when He is actually the desire of our hearts? He longs to invade our lives and take us up in His story. so i say, YES. over and over again, YES. i want more of You, Jesus.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:7-11

radical.

there's something massive stirring up inside me lately that i can't appropriately or sufficiently put into words. i'm finding that the only proper way for me to convey what's going on inside of me is to look up to heaven, raise my hands, and just get lost obsessing about this man named Jesus. i'm slowly unveiling what it means to live in extravagant love for a King who gave it all for me- not just in theory, but walked out in faith and action. driven by this desire to gain what's eternal, i'm asking God how to deposit into eternity and bring glory to His name. it's funny because whenever i ask God a question, He's so quick to provide a revelation or an opportunity for me to respond in obedience. i want to waste my life breaking alabaster jars at His feet, just worshiping and loving Jesus. but if i profess with my lips that i long for Him to be exalted and lifted high in israel and for the chains of injustice to be broken in NK, how am i living out this cry in my heart? there has been a literal aching and longing in my soul to bring His kingdom to earth, to the hardest and darkest places. giving my all is the only option, so i'm investing my prayers, my future, my desires, my finances and my whole life. i'm forsaking everything and trading all i have in reckless abandonment because i need to see His face. i can confidently do this because i have ridiculous faith in a ridiculously good God & trust that He'll take care of the rest. but that deserves a whole blog of its own which i'll save for another day.

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:19-21

love story.

i've been reflecting back at my life, particularly the past 10 years, quite a bit lately. i feel like God has been highlighting certain memories, heartaches and victories, to remind me that he was always there, even when i failed to recognize Him. to be really honest, for a long time i had difficulty accepting a lot of the things that happened. subconsciously i think i was always somewhat envious of those people who never went through extreme hardships and dark seasons. there were plenty of moments when i wished i could trade places with someone with an easier life and more favorable circumstances. but now i look back at my journey and see so much beauty every step of the way. He really is so faithful to the end and my heart is just being destroyed over and over again as i'm witnessing His redemption. especially during the most hopeless situations when i couldn't see an end to the suffering and had no outward reason to be joyful, it all mattered to God and it was not in vain. when our family literally had nothing else to cling onto or rely on but God, He never failed or disappointed us. all the times my heart was broken seemingly beyond repair, God was weeping with me and holding my hand. when the last of the locusts were done eating away at the little that was left, even then, my eyes have been opened to see God's fingerprints everywhere. it was all perfect because it has brought me to where i'm at now. i'm thankful for parents who are madly in love with the Lord who chose to praise God regardless of how bad or frequent the storms. i'm forever indebted to them for always putting God first and inevitably showing me and sis to do the same. after 10 years of sowing prayers and believing in His goodness, we're reaping the fruits and discovering that He restores tenfold what was initially lost. i came to realize very recently that i absolutely adore and treasure my story because Jesus is smothered all over it. it was only through experiencing utter brokenness and desperation that i'm able to confidently say there is genuinely nothing that compares to Him and no one else i want to give my whole heart and life to but God. this is no sacrifice. i know true joy- not defined by circumstances, possessions, or status- but by the simple fact that i'm fully known and loved by Jesus. in sweet surrender accompanied by deep hunger, i've found the one thing i've been searching for my whole life- true love. the creator of the entire universe is also the most intimate lover of my soul. i haven't even begun to scratch the surface of what this means, but i'm going to spend the rest of my life unfolding the weight of this mystery. it's become my obsession- i worship God as i sleep and wake up to all my thoughts being wholly consumed and captivated by Him. and i've never been happier. there's something so liberating and peaceful about giving total control to a perfectly trustworthy God. in my own story, there has been a recurring theme of restoration and His crazy, passionate, unrelenting love that has defined me and given me a purpose and calling- to bring His restoration and love to those who live in hopelessness and darkness, specifically in NK. but first things first. God, all my delights are in You.

One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
Psalm 27:4