Friday, August 16, 2013

the waves will break every chain

i'm the type that needs instant gratification and immediate results & my biggest pet peeve is waiting around for anything. i'm positive i'm not alone here. especially when it comes to intangible and uncontrollable things such as a broken heart, the lurking stench of apathy or hopelessness, or unfulfilled promises, i'm particularly impatient. it's as if i literally can't wait for whatever is next & i'd do anything to get there. i'm not only this way with my own outlook but i've come to realize i share the same unrealistic expectation on behalf of those i love and care about. if there is even the slightest hint of hardship or discord in their lives, i always look for a way to rescue them from the pain as soon as possible. i would trade places with them in a second if it meant they didn't have to endure the discomfort themselves. talk about a savior complex. and although i'm no stranger to it, i never face adversity, for myself or others, with confidence or faith. it's like, hello? haven't i learned at all to trust the Lord in all circumstances? has He ever given me a reason to doubt Him? no.
the fleeting and petty desires in my heart have always come and gone very effortlessly for me- much to my misfortune. i became spoiled and ungrateful and my heart was quickly hardened. i never sought what was worth waiting for- the things that will last. looking back on the past few years, the Lord has taught me that there are no shortcuts and no quick fixes for His perfect plans and timing. no matter how much i cry my eyes out, i won't have the answers or figure it out on my own. which begs the question, whoever said i have to save myself anyways? did i ever stop to consider that Jesus may be using this time to prepare and mold me? maybe He has something to say. thank God for His faithfulness that He carried me through the valleys and dark seasons to realign my heart with His and whisper that He's still with me and He's scheming for my good.
although i still cringe when i think about the weight of despair that i sustained (and prolonged due to my slow learning), i'm utterly thankful that He made me wait. i kicked and screamed along the way but He allowed it because His ways are always better. i could have never dreamed of this given my limited perspective and lack of wisdom or imagination. everything is going to be alright. not just alright, glorious and epic if we'd only just let Him.

But a certain sign of grace is this
From a broken earth flowers come up
Pushing through the dirt

- David Crowder, Wholly Yours.
Listen to advice and accept discipline,
    and at the end you will be counted among the wise.
Many are the plans in a person’s heart,
    but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.
What a person desires is unfailing love;
    better to be poor than a liar. 
The fear of the Lord leads to life;
    then one rests content, untouched by trouble.

Proverbs 19: 20-23

That feeling that doesn't go away just did
And I walked a thousand miles to prove it
And I'm caught in the crossfire of my own thoughts
The color of my blood is all I see on the rocks
As you sail from me

Alarms will ring for eternity
The waves will break every chain on me
My bones will bleach
My flesh will flee
So help my lifeless frame to breathe

And God knows I'm not dying but I bleed now
And God knows it's the only way to heal now
With all the blood I lost with you
It drowns the love I thought I knew

The lost dreams are buried in my sleep for him
And this was the ecstasy of a love forgotten
And I'm thrown in the gunfire of empty bullets
And my blood is all I see
As you steal my soul from me

Alarms will ring for eternity
The waves will break every chain on me

Ellie Goulding- My Blood

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