everday.

There's something mystical that occurs on certain nights from the moment I lay my head down on my pillow up until the sound of the harp on my alarm clock the next morning. It's almost as if I subconsciously allow the enemy to sneak into my room and whisper not-so-sweet-nothings into my ear until I'm convinced of these horrible lies when I wake up. No matter how wonderful the previous day was or how confident I was in myself or the world, the next day I'm filled with serious doubts, insecurities and this gigantic, ugly lie telling me I'm unlovable and insignificant- seemingly out of nowhere. Please don't tell me this is schizophrenia. I know this sounds crazy. I told a few girlfriends during dinner last week and they were genuinely concerned. But I can't shake off this feeling and it's exhausting. Sometimes when I go running by myself or have a meal alone, God speaks to me so clearly- almost like He's my date or running buddy and it's just the two of us. Tonight in the stillness and silence, I felt God reminding me that He has new mercies for me every morning, especially during those times when it seems yesterday's dose isn't exactly cutting it. And quite honestly, I think that's extremely beautiful- to wake up each and every morning so desperate for God's mercy, grace and love all over again, needing Him more than a heart needs a beat, and never to be able to claim that He isn't necessary or desired. And I think that's the whole point- to need God every single day and in turn find myself more in Him and less in the world.