misunderstood.

i never really noticed this about myself until someone pointed it out recently, but i always go out of my way to make sure i'm conveyed exactly the way i intend. room for interpretation, the art of mystery and subliminal messages are all lost on me. i have no poker face, i'm obvious, i share too much information and what you see is what you get. even when i desperately try to, i can't hide or lie about anything and i'm also the first to point out and confess, "guys, i'm awkward" or "i'm really freaked out." so unnecessary, right? maybe i'm too self-aware and paranoid but the reason is just that i really hate being misunderstood. i'd rather be straightforward and direct concerning important matters than have others read into mixed signals and get it wrong.

while reflecting on why i may overcompensate when it comes to being blunt, i believe it most likely stems from being wounded by misinterpreting others in the past. regardless of who was to blame or if it was intentional or not, it's just a bad situation that i try to avoid at all costs. there's nothing quite as frustrating and disheartening as being misled and duped, but i eventually got over it and moved on. yeah, it sucked but you live and you learn and you grow up. we can typically get by with minimal damage but nothing so detrimental that we can't spring back from.

it's scary, though, when we misunderstand the character of God because we see Him through the distorted lenses of our experience and circumstances. in His word, He is clear about His heart for us- He makes Himself vulnerable to us, pursues us without ambiguity or boundaries, and yet we treat it as something conditional that's based on our mood on any random day. we complicate His promises and read into things that aren't even real. 

i know God's not sitting on His throne in heaven panicking or worrying about being misunderstood but i think it still hurts Him. throughout history He's revealed the abundance of His amazing grace and His relentless love after us. most significant of all He sent His only Son to suffer, bleed and die for us b/c He desperately couldn't stand the distance that separated us. that is love. yet somewhere along the way we got it all wrong and painted God to be someone who's stingy, angry and indifferent. i can almost feel God's anguish as He's crying out, "that's NOT me at all!"

i'm rediscovering who God is all over again these days but i'm so upset with myself for misunderstanding Him for all these years. instead of looking for the truth of who He is in the word and through the HS, i allowed my skewed perception be formed by whatever i chose to make sense to me. i withheld myself from living in His fullness and walking out His purposes and promises for my life. but in true form, He never gave up running after me in the most beautiful and gentle way to remove the veil. He's holding my hand and romancing my heart. and i am still. 

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

Your eyes are full
Full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
At me in that wondering way

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Converging, conspiring, without giving us any say

You sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

You're ruining me
With secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets in second-hand books
Playing the chords in me nobody knew how to play

It fits in your hand like the water in rain
Unlocks our two different selves
And shows we are the same
Rather than wait til I
Put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
And I'm letting you