we can learn to love again.

i'd like to think i'm an eternal optimist. i'll even go as far as to claim it's one of my greatest traits- i'm resilient, always hopeful and believe in love above all else. or so i thought. it's only until very recently that i discovered that i'm actually quite the opposite- i'm deeply jaded, full of ugly scars and doubts and so quick to give up at the first sign of opposition. the thing is, i can typically anticipate the next steps in a relationship and mentally and emotionally prepare myself accordingly. since i'm naturally a doer and an initiator (gosh, sometimes i feel like such a dude), i almost can't help but be strategic in knowing exactly what i want and going after it. there's a ton of tireless effort that goes into this game- the extra lip gloss, the hair toss, pretending like i'm a lady, for sure not laughing out loud, & def not watching football in the presence of anyone i'm trying to impress or attract. basically, i'm not anything like myself at all, and where i'm lacking i make up for by being bossy and using the power of suggestion. this is all that i'm used to and much of what culminates my past experience so i don't expect anything that deviates from this pattern.
so now here we are and i have no clue what's going on b/c there is nothing familiar about this. it literally came out of nowhere w/o any signs or warning. i didn't even have the chance to try to act cute and sexy and domesticated. i was admittedly indifferent and standoffish at first b/c i didn't believe this was legit. i'm sorry but i still don't. there was no validity in what was professed even though it sounded sincere and heartfelt. i had a good run throughout the years and so unfortunately, i've heard it all and can't tell the difference btwn truth and lies anymore. even now, regardless of how convinced i am of it when i lay my head on my pillow at night, i'm back to doubting again when i wake up the next morning. i'm really great at convincing myself that it's safer to just dismiss any idea or hope of true happiness and possible romance b/c my heart just can't take the bs. it's a lot simpler to be alone and just theoretically believe in love and redemption. i never thought that the prospect of it could shed light on so many painful issues and insecurities.
i've never experienced God through a guy/girl relationship before other than receiving His grace to forgive and desperately seeking His healing and restoration. as evidenced through my own family and best friends, God has clearly made us for relationships and He reveals a tiny reflection of our ultimate perfect union with Jesus through those around us while we're here on earth. my dad is the best example of this. from my very first memory of him to this very day, he has always so accurately displayed to me the heart of God the Father. i'm confident that he will do absolutely everything in his power and ability to love me, provide for me and fight for me. if only all relationships were as healthy and affirming.
even through the annoying hazy filter that clouds my current experience, i'm seeing Jesus all over it. He's reminding me that He first loved me when i was at my worst and had nothing to offer Him. there's no way i can hide all my junk from Him- from the filth in my heart to the impure thoughts that go through my head, but He chose me in spite of it all. He is nothing like i expected or deserved, Jesus is better and more than enough to cover all my faults and mess. but most personally meaningful of all, He pursues me and i just let Him. although it certainly doesn't benefit Him to do so, He convinces me over and over again that He's genuine and He's not going to leave me or change His mind when i wake up. He's unbelievably patient with this erratic heart of mine although i know it hurts Him when i hold onto my doubts and fears instead of clinging to Him. confession: i'm horrible at receiving love and affection from anyone other than my parents. i get nervous and extremely awkward and subconsciously push them away b/c i don't believe it's real. like it's too good to be true and i can already foresee the end right from the start. sad, huh? but i know i'm not without hope. Jesus is still captivating me and wooing me after all these years. it's ridiculous to think i can ever catch up to Him and match His love for me, but i can waste my life trying so that's what i intend to do.


How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free

Awake my soul