you won't give up on us.

i've been single for most of my life so it's no wonder i'm independent (so long as there's public transportation or a good pair of running shoes around) and absolutely comfortable and content being by myself. there are plenty of things i'd rather do alone and actually look forward to- running on any given day, eating at a sports bar on a friday night after a long workout, strolling around the city w/ no particular agenda, and watching college football all day saturday in my sweats. single life is kinda nice. it's safe and doesn't require much risk, faith or sacrifice. it's hard to imagine and prepare for having someone else constantly around who always wants to share all that precious alone time- especially when it's so abrupt and unexpected.

i notice that in the midst of this unfamiliar intense peace, laughing way out loud and my heart being so utterly full, i want to run away and hide. i don't know when i began to morph into such a frightened and reluctant little girl but it's harder than i expected to find my way back. it's not that i seek to purposely sabotage what i have but it's so tempting to simply give up. it's too hard and i'm uncertain if i'm ready or willing to trust someone else with my fragile and tender heart. it's as if there's this battle raging inside of me that tells me i don't deserve this, but the other side fights to give me permission to be happy and accept.
there's a tiny despicable voice inside my head that keeps whispering that these fears are well observed and warranted b/c they will soon be realized. and as ludicrous as it sounds, sometimes i give in and believe i should heed to these warnings now before it's too late. i hate this. enough is effing enough. i don't know when or how i'll finally be reassured that this time this just might be real, he might really be sincere.
i woke up much earlier than was necessary last saturday morning and spent a good chunk of time filling in my mom about all my commitment and trust issues. in true form and full of wisdom and so much grace, mom just simply said the best thing i can do is just be thankful. thanksgiving has the power to effectively erase the trauma of the past and release hope in goodness again.
so with great humility and a thankful heart, i went ahead and told j about all these annoying and paranoid thoughts that run through my mind. i was kinda harsh, definitely a mess- even crying in a crowded restaurant during dinner, but he was thoroughly calm and so patient. so cool, this guy. i even told him about how i use blogging on a public forum as my outlet and occasionally, as of late, i may discretely write about him (like right now). i explained how i felt so strongly that God was convicting me to write about this journey and the struggle and healing that accompanies it & that He would use it to bring glory to Himself somehow. surprisingly j was supportive and said he won't read it until i'm ready.
as amazing and trustworthy as j is, this isn't really about him at all. it's not up to him to convince me that i'm beautiful and it's not his responsibility to fix me & make me get over my issues. it would be incredibly foolish, unfair and burdensome to look to a mere man for that sort of validation. instead of focusing my energy on if i'll allow my heart to learn to love again, it really comes down to trusting Jesus at work in each others lives. from the beginning of time right to the very end it has always only been about Jesus. even now when this may seem like it's just another tale about two deeply flawed people, Jesus is faithfully and purposefully weaving us into His story. He is not intimidated by my commitment issues and He won't give up on us.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:7

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am