in the company of mockers

every morning i pass by a technical school on my way to work. most days i opt for the sidewalk across the street, or straight up share the middle of the road with oncoming traffic, as to avoid the crowd of sexually charged and very inappropriate men spewing out whatever rendition of vulgarity they can come up with. their lewdness makes me shudder, especially so early in the morning, but i try my best to hide the blatant and instinctive rolling of my eyes as i pretend not to hear them. given that i have no problem standing up to confrontation or speaking my mind, i always give myself props for resisting the strong urges to either throw up in sheer disgust or knee them as hard as i can in the you-know-what.
however, on this particular morning i had too much on my mind to give a second thought to passing through the lion's den. all was well with the exception of one guy who wouldn't stop yelling out "ni hao. NI HAO!" are you freaking serious, guy? does it give you some kind of sick satisfaction by saying hi to me in chinese until i give you a reaction? i wanted so badly to turn around and scream "mother effer!" accompanied by other colorful profanities but spared myself the trouble.
as annoying as this incident was, it led me to reflect on Jesus and the cross. He was mocked, beaten and spit on and not once did He rightfully tell them off saying, "do you know who I am?? do you know who my Father is??"  i can't imagine the unbelievable rage and injustice i would feel if i were in the same position, given that Jesus is the Son of God, the Creator of the universe. heck, i was ready to attack this guy for saying hi to me in another language. and still, Jesus literally and actually died for those scoffers. i can't fathom that kind of love. i don't even know if i could ever begin to understand and be as gracious. what kind of love does it take to be able to stand firmly and boldly in the face of vicious mockers and be fully confident that your Father will always have the last word? that's Christ's love. i will never cease to be amazed.

1 Blessed is the one
    who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
    or sit in the company of mockers,
2 but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
3 That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers.

Psalm 1:1-3

the waves will break every chain

i'm the type that needs instant gratification and immediate results & my biggest pet peeve is waiting around for anything. i'm positive i'm not alone here. especially when it comes to intangible and uncontrollable things such as a broken heart, the lurking stench of apathy or hopelessness, or unfulfilled promises, i'm particularly impatient. it's as if i literally can't wait for whatever is next & i'd do anything to get there. i'm not only this way with my own outlook but i've come to realize i share the same unrealistic expectation on behalf of those i love and care about. if there is even the slightest hint of hardship or discord in their lives, i always look for a way to rescue them from the pain as soon as possible. i would trade places with them in a second if it meant they didn't have to endure the discomfort themselves. talk about a savior complex. and although i'm no stranger to it, i never face adversity, for myself or others, with confidence or faith. it's like, hello? haven't i learned at all to trust the Lord in all circumstances? has He ever given me a reason to doubt Him? no.
the fleeting and petty desires in my heart have always come and gone very effortlessly for me- much to my misfortune. i became spoiled and ungrateful and my heart was quickly hardened. i never sought what was worth waiting for- the things that will last. looking back on the past few years, the Lord has taught me that there are no shortcuts and no quick fixes for His perfect plans and timing. no matter how much i cry my eyes out, i won't have the answers or figure it out on my own. which begs the question, whoever said i have to save myself anyways? did i ever stop to consider that Jesus may be using this time to prepare and mold me? maybe He has something to say. thank God for His faithfulness that He carried me through the valleys and dark seasons to realign my heart with His and whisper that He's still with me and He's scheming for my good.
although i still cringe when i think about the weight of despair that i sustained (and prolonged due to my slow learning), i'm utterly thankful that He made me wait. i kicked and screamed along the way but He allowed it because His ways are always better. i could have never dreamed of this given my limited perspective and lack of wisdom or imagination. everything is going to be alright. not just alright, glorious and epic if we'd only just let Him.

But a certain sign of grace is this
From a broken earth flowers come up
Pushing through the dirt

- David Crowder, Wholly Yours.

Listen to advice and accept discipline,
    and at the end you will be counted among the wise.

Many are the plans in a person’s heart,
    but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

What a person desires is unfailing love;
    better to be poor than a liar. 

The fear of the Lord leads to life;
    then one rests content, untouched by trouble.

Proverbs 19: 20-23

That feeling that doesn't go away just did
And I walked a thousand miles to prove it
And I'm caught in the crossfire of my own thoughts
The color of my blood is all I see on the rocks
As you sail from me

Alarms will ring for eternity
The waves will break every chain on me
My bones will bleach
My flesh will flee
So help my lifeless frame to breathe

And God knows I'm not dying but I bleed now
And God knows it's the only way to heal now
With all the blood I lost with you
It drowns the love I thought I knew

The lost dreams are buried in my sleep for him
And this was the ecstasy of a love forgotten
And I'm thrown in the gunfire of empty bullets
And my blood is all I see
As you steal my soul from me

Alarms will ring for eternity
The waves will break every chain on me


Ellie Goulding- My Blood

not afraid anymore.

i remember when i first heard this song hand me down and i swore rob thomas was singing about me. the song got stuck on repeat as i sulked in my own self pity but i felt powerless and unmotivated to do anything about it. when i look back on where the heck my head was during that time, it breaks my heart that i allowed myself to wallow in that state for as long as i did as if i was in a trance or something. i can still recall all the mornings i woke up so unsettled and anxious, desperate to appease my restless appetite for wholeness in my soul. there was so much fear and worry in me and even though i always professed to believe in true love, i was so afraid i was beyond repair. (just read through my past blogs and you'll see what i'm talking about) i was such a poser. it was exhausting and entangling and i knew deep down inside that this wasn't the way it's supposed to be- not even close. it took years of wasted striving that amounted to nothing and a severely wounded spirit to finally break down and cry out to God b/c there was no other option. as pathetic and unfortunate as it was, it was so necessary and surprisingly pretty liberating. i must have wailed in that upstairs room in martha's vineyard for hours until i realized i don't know God at all. if i truly knew God- who is the Creator of the universe and the King of all Kings- as my Father, would i still live in fear? if i had faith that my Father is good and loving and would never forget about me, would i obsessively try to take control of every matter in my life? no, i don't think so.
i can't explain in words what happened to me after that meltdown- all i know is that i'm not afraid anymore. this past year can be simply summarized as intense detox and rehabilitation by God's love but i know there's so much more to the story. He's been pursuing me and after my whole heart my entire life, waiting so patiently throughout my countless mistakes and stubborn attitude. i guess i finally reached a dead end where i was forced to gazed at Him long enough to realize He was offering everything i was always longing for. i just had to let go of everything else. there is stillness and rest in my soul and my heart is overflowing- there is no more room for fear to dwell.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

Someday they'll find your small town world on a big town avenue
Gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talking to you
Gonna make you break out of the shell cause they tell you to
Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth
They'll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say
They're gonna break your heart, yeah

From what I've seen
You're just a one more hand me down
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Somebody ought to take you in 
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they're under your skin
Never once did think they'd lie when they're holding you
You wonder why they haven't called
When they said they'd call you
You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by
You'll start to think you were born blind

From what I've seen
You're just a one more hand me down
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

I'm here for the hard times
The straight to your heart times
Whenever it ain't easy
You can stand up against me
And maybe rely on me
And cry on me, yeah
Oh no, no, no

Some day they'll open up your world
Shake it down on a drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you

love letters.

around three months ago when J & i first started dating, i was stuck in the phase where i was still skeptical of everything and couldn't shake off an intense fear of commitment. i kept wanting to run away and hide b/c i figured that would be easier than actually confronting my deep rooted issues. one night i had a dream that my paranoia drove me to push J away and with tears streaming down my face i demanded proof of his love for me. in my dream J walked away, remarkably still confident and unaffected by my craziness.
shortly thereafter he came back to me with armfuls of handwritten letters, notebooks and manuscripts, and as he handed them to me he explained that's his proof that he loves me. when i woke up i immediately felt like God was speaking so loudly and clearly saying that's the bible- undeniable proof of His love & God's own handwritten love letter, signed and sealed, just for me. when i'm so quick to doubt and forget, God leads me to read His word from thousands of years ago and i'm convinced all over again of how extravagantly, intensely and faithfully He loves me.
i never shared the dream with J b/c i was waiting for just the right time.
the day that i left for zimbabwe, J asked me to come over to his house b/c he had something to give me. he hugged me extra tight, told me how amazing i am and said for the very first time, "i love you."
then he gave me a long handwritten letter, just like in my dream.
i finally got to say "i love you" and share my dream w/ him. i cried like a hot mess and J was just as cool as ever.
how can i not be in awe of God's love and perfect timing? so good.

I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.

For I will turn their mourning into joy
And will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow.

Jeremiah 31:3, 13

hope- the joyful anticipation of good.

there was a pretty intense and significant period of time, not too long ago, where i allowed myself to succumb to so much regret and self pity. in theory, i always say that regret is probably the most useless expression and waste of emotion b/c there's literally nothing you can do to change what already happened. what's done is done and what's important is how you handle it going forward. there's no point in wallowing over the past and aimlessly dwelling over what you would've done differently. but that's exactly what i was doing. i kept playing back in my mind all the times i should have been stronger and wiser and holier. i couldn't help but think of how much better life would be had i not made so many costly mistakes- whether it had been for the sake of curiosity or love.
i was doing my quiet time this morning and finished reading the end of romans which, by the way, was pretty dry and mundane- right up until the last passage.

²⁵ Now all glory to God, who is able to make you strong, just as my Good News says. This message about Jesus Christ has revealed his plan for you Gentiles, a plan kept secret from the beginning of time. ²⁶ But now as the prophets foretold and as the eternal God has commanded, this message is made known to all Gentiles everywhere, so that they too might believe and obey him. ²⁷ All glory to the only wise God, through Jesus Christ, forever. Amen.
Romans 16:25-27

 i just sat there kinda astounded, reading it over multiple times, and found myself smiling really big as i tried to fathom that God has had secret plans (really, really good plans) for us since the beginning of time. it has been His intention all along to save us, redeem us and make us His own. you know what though? it's so easy to believe that God has redemptive plans for us when we already have the fulfillment of it. that doesn't require any faith or hope. but when we're at our absolute lowest and we see no sign of rescue but somehow we still believe that God is good and He's coming, that's real. His word says this kind of faith is worth more than gold. all odds can be stacked against us yet deep down we just know that He's on the brink of something huge and glorious. this is foolishness to those w/o faith, but to us it's our saving hope.
not that i take pride in my mistakes or glorify them in any way, but i'm learning to be grateful for them. i was jokingly yelling at j last weekend about how it took him so long to find and pursue me. he could have saved me a lot of bad dates and heartache if we met years earlier. in all seriousness though, looking back on where my heart and faith was even just a month and a half ago, i'm glad i believed God at His word and anticipated His promised restoration before the actual revelation of it. i'm thankful for the painful and desperate experiences that brought me to my knees, drew me closer to His heart, and built my foundation in Him alone. i don't know where or who i would be without these scars but i know they help me to cherish and appreciate j more.
whether we know it or not, we all need a savior. our predicament is when we try to save ourselves and carry a burden that was never meant to be ours. i've had the same exact recurring nightmare since i was in grade school living in kansas city. in these bad dreams, i'm attempting to carry a large couch the size of a nj transit bus. this has subconsciously, and somewhat comically, instilled a fear in me of over-sized objects. i never thought much about the significance or sought to interpret what it might mean. but as i was randomly thinking about these nightmares last week, i also happened to be meditating on psalm 46:10 (again)-

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God..."

what's ironic about carrying a giant couch is that it's sole purpose is intended for relaxation, rest, and stillness. i felt like the Lord was telling me "just be still"- the same way a mother tries to calm down a rambunctious toddler. there's a wisdom and art in being still and shouldn't be confused with being idle or lazy or passive. it's about trusting in the Lord implicitly and having a relentless and resilient hope that anticipates His next move.

Oh great God
Be small enough
To hear me now
There were times when I was crying
From the dark of Daniel’s den
I had asked you once or twice
If you would part the sea again
Tonight I do not need a
Fiery pillar in the sky
Just want to know you’re gonna
Hold me if I start to cry

Oh great God
Be small enough to hear me now
Oh great God
Be close enough to feel you now
(Oh great god be close to me)
There have been moments when I could not face
Goliath on my own
And how could I forget we marched
Around our share of Jerichos
But I will not be setting out
A fleece for you tonight
Just wanna know that everything will be alright
Oh great god be close enough to feel me now

All praise and all the honor be
To the god of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder
Turn the pages of our history
But tonight my heart is heavy
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
Are you there?

And I know you could leave writing
On the wall that’s just for me
Or send wisdom while I’m sleeping
Like in Solomon’s sweet dreams
But I don’t need the strength of Sampson
Or a chariot in the end
Just wanna know that you still know how many
Hairs are on my head
Oh great God (Are you small enough)
Be small enough to hear
Me now

you won't give up on us.

i've been single for most of my life so it's no wonder i'm independent (so long as there's public transportation or a good pair of running shoes around) and absolutely comfortable and content being by myself. there are plenty of things i'd rather do alone and actually look forward to- running on any given day, eating at a sports bar on a friday night after a long workout, strolling around the city w/ no particular agenda, and watching college football all day saturday in my sweats. single life is kinda nice. it's safe and doesn't require much risk, faith or sacrifice. it's hard to imagine and prepare for having someone else constantly around who always wants to share all that precious alone time- especially when it's so abrupt and unexpected.

i notice that in the midst of this unfamiliar intense peace, laughing way out loud and my heart being so utterly full, i want to run away and hide. i don't know when i began to morph into such a frightened and reluctant little girl but it's harder than i expected to find my way back. it's not that i seek to purposely sabotage what i have but it's so tempting to simply give up. it's too hard and i'm uncertain if i'm ready or willing to trust someone else with my fragile and tender heart. it's as if there's this battle raging inside of me that tells me i don't deserve this, but the other side fights to give me permission to be happy and accept.
there's a tiny despicable voice inside my head that keeps whispering that these fears are well observed and warranted b/c they will soon be realized. and as ludicrous as it sounds, sometimes i give in and believe i should heed to these warnings now before it's too late. i hate this. enough is effing enough. i don't know when or how i'll finally be reassured that this time this just might be real, he might really be sincere.
i woke up much earlier than was necessary last saturday morning and spent a good chunk of time filling in my mom about all my commitment and trust issues. in true form and full of wisdom and so much grace, mom just simply said the best thing i can do is just be thankful. thanksgiving has the power to effectively erase the trauma of the past and release hope in goodness again.
so with great humility and a thankful heart, i went ahead and told j about all these annoying and paranoid thoughts that run through my mind. i was kinda harsh, definitely a mess- even crying in a crowded restaurant during dinner, but he was thoroughly calm and so patient. so cool, this guy. i even told him about how i use blogging on a public forum as my outlet and occasionally, as of late, i may discretely write about him (like right now). i explained how i felt so strongly that God was convicting me to write about this journey and the struggle and healing that accompanies it & that He would use it to bring glory to Himself somehow. surprisingly j was supportive and said he won't read it until i'm ready.
as amazing and trustworthy as j is, this isn't really about him at all. it's not up to him to convince me that i'm beautiful and it's not his responsibility to fix me & make me get over my issues. it would be incredibly foolish, unfair and burdensome to look to a mere man for that sort of validation. instead of focusing my energy on if i'll allow my heart to learn to love again, it really comes down to trusting Jesus at work in each others lives. from the beginning of time right to the very end it has always only been about Jesus. even now when this may seem like it's just another tale about two deeply flawed people, Jesus is faithfully and purposefully weaving us into His story. He is not intimidated by my commitment issues and He won't give up on us.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:7

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

misunderstood.

i never really noticed this about myself until someone pointed it out recently, but i always go out of my way to make sure i'm conveyed exactly the way i intend. room for interpretation, the art of mystery and subliminal messages are all lost on me. i have no poker face, i'm obvious, i share too much information and what you see is what you get. even when i desperately try to, i can't hide or lie about anything and i'm also the first to point out and confess, "guys, i'm awkward" or "i'm really freaked out." so unnecessary, right? maybe i'm too self-aware and paranoid but the reason is just that i really hate being misunderstood. i'd rather be straightforward and direct concerning important matters than have others read into mixed signals and get it wrong.

while reflecting on why i may overcompensate when it comes to being blunt, i believe it most likely stems from being wounded by misinterpreting others in the past. regardless of who was to blame or if it was intentional or not, it's just a bad situation that i try to avoid at all costs. there's nothing quite as frustrating and disheartening as being misled and duped, but i eventually got over it and moved on. yeah, it sucked but you live and you learn and you grow up. we can typically get by with minimal damage but nothing so detrimental that we can't spring back from.

it's scary, though, when we misunderstand the character of God because we see Him through the distorted lenses of our experience and circumstances. in His word, He is clear about His heart for us- He makes Himself vulnerable to us, pursues us without ambiguity or boundaries, and yet we treat it as something conditional that's based on our mood on any random day. we complicate His promises and read into things that aren't even real. 

i know God's not sitting on His throne in heaven panicking or worrying about being misunderstood but i think it still hurts Him. throughout history He's revealed the abundance of His amazing grace and His relentless love after us. most significant of all He sent His only Son to suffer, bleed and die for us b/c He desperately couldn't stand the distance that separated us. that is love. yet somewhere along the way we got it all wrong and painted God to be someone who's stingy, angry and indifferent. i can almost feel God's anguish as He's crying out, "that's NOT me at all!"

i'm rediscovering who God is all over again these days but i'm so upset with myself for misunderstanding Him for all these years. instead of looking for the truth of who He is in the word and through the HS, i allowed my skewed perception be formed by whatever i chose to make sense to me. i withheld myself from living in His fullness and walking out His purposes and promises for my life. but in true form, He never gave up running after me in the most beautiful and gentle way to remove the veil. He's holding my hand and romancing my heart. and i am still. 

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

Your eyes are full
Full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
At me in that wondering way

It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Converging, conspiring, without giving us any say

You sing me to sleep
Talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to

You're ruining me
With secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets in second-hand books
Playing the chords in me nobody knew how to play

It fits in your hand like the water in rain
Unlocks our two different selves
And shows we are the same
Rather than wait til I
Put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
And I'm letting you