for better or worse.

i've been known to voluntarily & happily sit through and intently watch multiple football games back to back of teams i don't even know. college, nfl and once in a blue moon, even high school football- if it's on tv, i'll most likely watch it. this being the case, and as obnoxious and outspoken i am about my love for the jets, it's kinda strange that i can't remember the last time i watched an entire jets game, staying tuned in long enough to see the final score (as abysmal as it has been). these past couple seasons, my love/hate relationship with the jets has veered toward the latter and turned sour. while i watched them play, i think i legitimately got palpitations, headaches and  high blood pressure from the stress. lesson learned. nowadays, as soon as i sense them losing with a zero to slim chance of a comeback, i immediately change the channel and try to forget that it's happening. yeah, in my heart of course i'm still a fan and wish for a dream franchise qb and for us to be newsworthy on espn for more than just rex's rumored real or fake tattoos. i can't imagine jumping on the bandwagon of another team just b/c sanchez/tebow/rex disappointed this season. 
my most familiar solution for when things go wrong is to just quit, shake off the loss, and start over. i mean it's harmless when this is my remedy for trivial things like sports or sudoku. but if i'm accustomed to running away from hardships concerning matters so closely knit to my heart (relationships, calling, desires), i should know i'm bound to have to face the harsh reality sooner or later. when all we wanna do is give up and forget asap, it's God's grace that gives us the strength to actually stay & rough it out. 
as i digress to something very mildly related, i've always raised my glass to "true love" every chance i got together with my girls. while it sounds wonderfully delightful, i don't think i've ever really thought about what i meant when i used the term "true love." more than just toasts and well wishes, i've also prayed to be a woman who exemplifies Christ's love and that i would love the way Jesus does. i had no idea what i was getting myself into when i prayed that, but in true form, of course, God had grander purposes in answering my request. while i prepared myself for butterflies and exhilaration, i instead got lots of pain. for 2 years i just hurt all over. i rarely stopped to recognize that those experiences might be molding my heart to love deeper and greater than i ever could on my own initiative. like each time i didn't lash out and say nasty things in the heat of the moment, the culmination of those intentional choices were making me more like Christ.  i don't want to brag and claim that i'm like this perfectly loving & kind person now, but if i'm going to boast in anything i want it to be in my confidence that He's making Himself known to me so i can be more like Him. if only we knew and believed that God is truly plotting for our good even in the midst of all the bad, it would save us a lot of heartache and tears. what greater reward or redemption is there for our suffering than to behold more of Jesus? He's the ultimate prize.  
i'm so thankful. there is fullness of joy in my life and peace in my soul that had been missing for a long time. "true love" is dying to yourself, loving selflessly and serving others, even your enemies- not quite the image i had in mind during all the "cheers!" with my wineglass. but i don't regret a thing and i wouldn't have it any other way. as He's expanding my heart, He's increasing my capacity to receive even more of His love. as cheesy as it sounds, it's better than the jets miraculously winning the superbowl. speaking of which, i won't give up on them. #ganggreen. through thick and thin.

This is what the Lord says:

“Let not the wise boast of their wisdom
    or the strong boast of their strength
    or the rich boast of their riches, but let the one who boasts boast about this:
    that they have the understanding to know me,
that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,
    justice and righteousness on earth,
    for in these I delight,”
declares the Lord.

Jeremiah 9:23-25

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

glorious.

“God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything he knows” 
― Timothy Keller

there have been countless times when i prayed very faithfully for certain situations and circumstances that never panned out the way i had wishfully anticipated. in retrospect, i usually just chalked it up to not being in God's will or bad timing. plus, i'm typically pretty good about getting over disappointment quickly and moving on so it's always worked in my favor, i suppose. for me it's far and few between that i will pray so specifically for something that is completely out of my control, stocked full of minor details and even exact dialogue. but like i mentioned in my post "praying your tears" there was a request i just couldn't shake off. after about a year of wrestling with the Lord, and right before the new year, He answered precisely everything i asked for. i was always afraid to tell anyone else the extent of my prayers or admit how much hearing just a few simple words would liberate and heal me because i never wanted to give someone else that much power over me. in my mind, i wished for an outcome that seemed impossible. even still, His desire was to be faithful down to the exact timeline and setting that i wanted. within just a few moments i let go of all the offenses and years of hurt and anger making room for so much peace and restoration. it wasn't even hard, to be totally honest. it just happened so effortlessly. this was worth the risk and waiting patiently for & i'm so glad i didn't forcefully attempt to vindicate myself based on my own limited strength. even now, i feel almost selfish and embarrassed to realize i got everything i prayed so long for and i can't stop telling God, "thank You. so much." words fall so short but they have the power to make a world of difference. i guess this was His intention all along- to bring more redemption and freedom than i dared to hope for, even when i was willing to settle for much less. You really are amazing grace. You must have glorious plans for me this year ;)
i am so humbled and so thankful. thank You, once again.

2013 is gonna be wild. it's gonna be great. it's gonna be full of You.

faith pleas

i've listened to 6 podcast sermons since last night. even while i was doing my cardio at the gym and typically prefer to tune into PTI or sports nation to get me pumped up, i was already fixated on the first message, desperate for a clue, an answer or maybe just a fresh perspective. i even fell asleep to the sound of bill johnson speaking about divine favor and still i woke up so unsettled and with an ever increasing heavy load on my back. why can't i just shake this off? these days i continually find myself repeating, "God, please. God, please." i don't remember ever using the word "please" with such desperation and longing. i used to think it was just an adverb i would attach to a statement in order to be polite and obliging- something that kind and well-mannered people often use, even when addressing God. that's exactly how i used to pray- keeping my composure, always appropriate and mindful of my carefully thought out words. i'm only now seeing the other side of "please." what i'm praying are actually pleas. cries that must be answered. more like, "God, pullleeeeeeaasseeee!" even though i'd hate to admit it, i was demanding to be justified. i needed justification for my pain and now for my anger.  i threw out my best behavior and any attempt at being proper or put together b/c it was just freaking exhausting. i think the problem is that for so long, while facing trials and going through what felt like a fiery furnace, i thought i had to be strong on my own. i was always so concerned about what i said, how i behaved, and i even tried to manipulate what i allowed myself to feel deep inside- making sure there was no sign of weakness or breaking. it was as if i had to prove to myself that i'm fine, everything is under control (my control. scary). something that stuck out yesterday, ironically while i was lifting weights, is that trials don't test how strong our character is, they only test the strength of our faith. if anything, trials highlight how weak and broken we are and how unshakable and mighty is the object of our faith.
1 Peter 1: 7 These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold -- and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 
 i am utterly relieved. these past couple weeks i've been somewhat of a wreck. i haven't been the best example of patience, goodness, gentleness, or self-control. regretfully, i've made hurtful and obscene statements out of fury and outrage and although i hate using the f-word, i said it a handful of times this week. it was just for added emphasis and nothing else seemed to suffice. i was irrational and in retrospect i'm kinda embarrassed b/c that's not my true character at all. up until this afternoon, i didn't know what to do with all the rage and hurt that seemed to keep multiplying. yet through my pleas i finally admitted that i'm weak- it's ugly, mean and uncensored- but it's real and it's liberating. the bulk of my pleas are for redemption and for these trials and hardships to be worth it in the end, to have justice. although i could never quite grasp what it would look like, i figured it would be in the form of an incomprehensible and intangible type of resolution, maybe just a feeling of satisfaction or contentment. if i believe that what the bible claims is true, that this faith that is being worked out during these difficult times is more precious than gold, it sounds like it's more than just a fickle feeling. i confess, i never considered faith to be so valuable and did not give it much reflection. but as i continue to ponder on 1 peter 1:7 and allow the truth of faith to penetrate, my intense rage is literally disappearing and there's just stillness. i'm being filled with so much peace and even joy to the point where i'm still shocked. is this faith? this is hope? somewhere in between finishing up dinner and washing the dishes, the HS spoke so clearly to me, "this is what it means to be justified by faith." i never understood it that way before. yeah, it may not fit perfectly w/in one single context and it'll probably take a lifetime to unfold all the layers in those 3 simple words. what i do know is that i need no further justification. the pleas have stopped. i have no righteousness of my own.
Romans 5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings,because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

there is no victory without a battle.

heard.

there's so much power in our words. even the simple act of audibly making a declaration carries implications that we may not fully realize. with His words God spoke the earth into motion and at the sound of His voice  there was creation and life. i'm sure it wasn't necessary. He could have very well created the universe with a snap of a finger or just a thought in His infinite & omnipotent mind. maybe He was setting an example that He wanted us to emulate. i believe once our cryptic emotions are articulated into words and finally released, there's an intangible giant thrust forward. there's no going back. what's said is said. i find this to be especially true in the cases of apologies, extending forgiveness and just being honest with ourselves with any kind of extreme joy or pain. it's almost as if it doesn't become real or we don't fully believe it until it's vocalized. i don't mean to imply that we need to talk for the sake of running our mouths. but there's something about owning our affections and confirming our actions with our spoken word. regardless of the response- however unrequited, unaccepted, or unkind- there's a certain freedom when we know we're being heard. in some rare cases, no amount of attentive ears will ever suffice or make up for what we feel inside. we can share in graphic detail with anyone who's willing to listen, until we're blue in the face, and yet no one will actually understand- not enough to give us rest anyway. in times like these, the only truth that really gives me peace is believing that Jesus hears me before i utter a single word. not only am i heard through my incessant ramblings but i'm so securely held. i know this kinda sounds like a cop out or just something that passive-aggressive people claim in order to feel better about being timid or a pushover. but sometimes that's all we're left with and we'll never get the opportunity to be heard by the ones we believe really should.

as the saying goes, timing is everything. if'all we're concerned about is just getting something off our chest, no matter how pure our intentions and great our motives, it can come off as a curse. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. James 3:10.  as difficult as it is, sometimes it's better to stay silent although it may feel suffocating. the irony is that there's just as much power in what is unsaid. There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts,
    but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18.
i guess that's why i blog. strangely i feel more and more healed as i hear the clicking of my own typing because i know i'm not holding it hostage inside anymore. it's out in the open. it's done. it's enough. now i can move on.

praying your tears.

there's a certain kind of inexplicable joy that comes only by way of sowing & investing our tears. the spontaneous praise and outpouring of thanksgiving is inevitable after having endured what seemed to be silence & even rejection from the Lord. as it appears, i so easily forget this but i know it's true b/c of psalm 126: 5-6- 
Those who sow with tears
    will reap with songs of joy.
⁶ Those who go out weeping,
    carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
    carrying sheaves with them.

i've been wrestling with God with a very simple request, on & off, for over a year now. i say simple b/c there's nothing really complex about this small favor. it's not a dire necessity. it's not some magic fix-it-all remedy or time machine to erase & redo the past. i just plainly told God, "it would be really nice if so & so happened." as uncomplicated & unadulterated as my motives were, i still thought it was impossible or at least highly unlikely, maybe even a tad bit selfish. although i can't quite explain or understand it, i believe the HS kept tugging at my heart to keep praying until it happened. throughout my walk with God, He's been teaching me, slowly & painfully, how to let go of offenses and injustices in order to allow Him to be the ultimate judge and redeemer. i think the most difficult part is feeling like it was a waste- all the tears, energy, time & love- just gone. so i find myself oscillating between letting go and pleading relentlessly with the Lord to do something. and although i don't need it, i feel that the result of my request would bring me a step closer to restoration.
it's like when i'm fully convinced that i'm as good as i'll ever be and i genuinely forgive & forget, a random & rude incident will provoke my desperation all over again. even when i thought the worst was just a distant memory, i'm dragged back down to where climbed up from & i realize i'm actually not okay, not even close.
there were countless times when i was so scared that i would never be redeemed or complete healing would evade me. i remember all the times i went running by myself and looked up & rhetorically asked, "it's gonna be so worth it, right, God? it's gonna be so good, right?" i got nothing.
as fearful as i was and regardless of how alone i felt, i was somehow overwhelmed with this crazy faith that it was all going to turn out really, really great. through all the tears that i cried when it was just me and God, i knew that this was just the hard part & it was going to be over soon. glory is coming. it's so like Him to not leave us where we're at & let us be just good enough. He takes our mediocre expectations & small dreams and blows them up to His proportions. is it possible, God, that You're even better than our wild imaginations will dare to believe? 
You're going to take these ashes & make them into something beautiful. right, God?
awaiting Your response...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuW9JzKAdEI

I see heaven invading this place
I see angels praising Your holy name
I sing praises, I sing praises
I give You honor worthy Jesus

I see glory falling in this place
I see hope restored, the healing of all disease
I sing praises, I sing praises
I give You honor worth Jesus

we give You praise and all of the honor
You are our God, the one we live for
we give You praise and all of the glory God

Let Your presence fill this place
let heaven come
Let Your angels be released
let heaven come
We worship at Your feet
let heaven come
Face to face we wanna be
let heaven come

even if He doesn't.

one of my most fave bible verses is psalm 37:4- Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart. whenever i lose hope or feel overcome by darkness, i remind God of this promise, as if He needs my reminder. on the surface and at first glance, this almost seems to imply that He's a means to an end or simply a way to get what i really want. over the past year, He's been unfolding multiple layers of this passage and inadvertently bringing revelation of what is actually deep in my heart. the more i spend time in His presence and find myself delighting in Him, He becomes the object of my desires. it's like the more i taste and see Him the more i need, like an obsession...w/o the unhealthy side effects.
i have to be honest, though. even with this revelation of being found more and more in His presence, i still get furious and baffled with disbelief as i continue to offer my prayer requests to the Lord. i won't claim to be blameless or have zero faults, but i sincerely pursue holiness and strive to have integrity and purity in my actions and thoughts. so why are hurtful things still happening now? why the added WTF situations on top of the damage that has already been done? seriously. (gosh, i sound like such a whiner, i know). just when i start to feel whole and restored, i find myself derailed and hurt on new levels. and the worst part is, i can't even fight back anymore. i used to be fierce and fiery inside. now i just become paralyzed with fear, my mind racing with everything i want to say but don't, just stupidly in shock. the confrontation comes later when i'm in my room crying out to God that it's not fair. (yes, i realize how silly it sounds to tell God what's fair & not. a whole generation of israelites died before they got to enter the promised land and i'm telling God what's fair).
looking back, i realize that although i thought i was just being cowardly and a pushover, i was actually allowing God to be my defender and righteous judge and to fight for me when i couldn't do it anymore. even when i was faced with accusations and piercing words, i was overwhelmed with ridiculous stillness and inundated with inexplicable peace. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Psalm 23:5
so what if i never see redemption? what if He ultimately doesn't rescue, heal or provide? when i don't see the fulfillment of His promises or my heart's desires, will i love Him less if these are left unanswered? i don't wanna sound defeated or hopeless, or even worse, cynical. but i've been thinking a lot this week about petitioning with God and not getting the response that i want. is my love and commitment to God contingent on favorable results and abundant provisions? i'm reading through the book of daniel this week and the answer to all my previously stated questions in my heart are in daniel 3:17-18, ^"...the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not..."
what a privilege it is to choose God when we can't see Him through the darkness and fire that we're in. this short and fleeting life is the only chance we will have to be able to claim that we chose God even in the midst of our sickness and brokenness. although it hurts like heck and i don't understand, He's giving me opportunities to say yes to Him and still love Him when my heart is so offended and i can't make sense or reason out of what's going on. b/c that's real love, right? it's funny how this comes back full circle- in that, when there was absolutely nothing good in me, He first loved me. not that we could ever repay Christ for choosing us, but each time we choose Him, especially when it's extra hard, we're crowning Him with honor and glory. 
i'm still holding onto the promise that He will be faithful to my heart's desires as i continue to delight in Him. 
i haven't stopped praying for full restoration and crazy redemption and i know He's working everything out for my good. but even if He does not...

waiting for sunday.

i was reading the end of john this morning about Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection like i've done probably a hundred times before. this time though, i couldn't help but be fixated and filled with curiosity and wonder about that forsaken day in between- no doubt the longest day in history but comprised of just a couple paragraphs in the bible. i typically glide right through the passage and rarely reflect on that daunting saturday that falls between good friday and resurrection sunday. to roughly quote a speaker from dtc (i'm drawing a blank on her name) this past semester, "it was the most hopeless day." so succinct and accurate. i can't imagine waking up the next morning after such a gut wrenching and tragic evening- wishing it was all just a horrible nightmare and praying for the pain of loss to dissipate or at least be alleviated. i'm familiar w/ that sentiment where i literally hurt all over from mental and emotional trauma and exhaustion, however obviously paling in comparison, and i never want to be in that place ever again. mary, the disciples and followers, his family- they didn't expect that the very next day Jesus would rise from the dead, straight up walk out of the tomb and show up to where they were meeting. Jesus, of course, knew from the beginning of time what would happen that sunday...but the others didn't. the heavy weight of the darkness and despair from that saturday lifted and quickly turned into a glorious culmination of the greatest redemption and fulfillment of everything they dared to believed. mourning turned into dancing. sadness turned into unspeakable joy.
to put it bluntly, and at the risk of sounding dramatic for the sake of being dramatic (w/o the intention), i feel like it's been a long saturday. i remember talking myself up as i was walking to the office a few weeks ago after getting off at the wrong subway stop because i was in such a hazy daze. i kept trying to recall what my sis & friends would tell me whenever crap happens- this is making you stronger, it's building your character, you're resilient. stop. enough. reminding myself of all of this just made me more resentful and angry, not necessarily at God, just angry in general. i asked rhetorically, yet emphatically seeking an answer, "what do i need to be so strong for?" i'd rather not. when i was done venting an abrupt stillness immediately came over me and i felt like God simply replying, "you have no idea." whoa. i kinda just shut up at that point as i wiped away the steady flow of tears and decided to trust Him. i really don't have a clue as to what He's preparing me for or how He's going to use me but i got a feeling He's up to something good. it certainly has been a long saturday, but i'm still holding out- with butterflies in my stomach and a full heart- for sunday.

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this

You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this