for better or worse.

i've been known to voluntarily & happily sit through and intently watch multiple football games back to back of teams i don't even know. college, nfl and once in a blue moon, even high school football- if it's on tv, i'll most likely watch it. this being the case, and as obnoxious and outspoken i am about my love for the jets, it's kinda strange that i can't remember the last time i watched an entire jets game, staying tuned in long enough to see the final score (as abysmal as it has been). these past couple seasons, my love/hate relationship with the jets has veered toward the latter and turned sour. while i watched them play, i think i legitimately got palpitations, headaches and  high blood pressure from the stress. lesson learned. nowadays, as soon as i sense them losing with a zero to slim chance of a comeback, i immediately change the channel and try to forget that it's happening. yeah, in my heart of course i'm still a fan and wish for a dream franchise qb and for us to be newsworthy on espn for more than just rex's rumored real or fake tattoos. i can't imagine jumping on the bandwagon of another team just b/c sanchez/tebow/rex disappointed this season. 
my most familiar solution for when things go wrong is to just quit, shake off the loss, and start over. i mean it's harmless when this is my remedy for trivial things like sports or sudoku. but if i'm accustomed to running away from hardships concerning matters so closely knit to my heart (relationships, calling, desires), i should know i'm bound to have to face the harsh reality sooner or later. when all we wanna do is give up and forget asap, it's God's grace that gives us the strength to actually stay & rough it out. 
as i digress to something very mildly related, i've always raised my glass to "true love" every chance i got together with my girls. while it sounds wonderfully delightful, i don't think i've ever really thought about what i meant when i used the term "true love." more than just toasts and well wishes, i've also prayed to be a woman who exemplifies Christ's love and that i would love the way Jesus does. i had no idea what i was getting myself into when i prayed that, but in true form, of course, God had grander purposes in answering my request. while i prepared myself for butterflies and exhilaration, i instead got lots of pain. for 2 years i just hurt all over. i rarely stopped to recognize that those experiences might be molding my heart to love deeper and greater than i ever could on my own initiative. like each time i didn't lash out and say nasty things in the heat of the moment, the culmination of those intentional choices were making me more like Christ.  i don't want to brag and claim that i'm like this perfectly loving & kind person now, but if i'm going to boast in anything i want it to be in my confidence that He's making Himself known to me so i can be more like Him. if only we knew and believed that God is truly plotting for our good even in the midst of all the bad, it would save us a lot of heartache and tears. what greater reward or redemption is there for our suffering than to behold more of Jesus? He's the ultimate prize.  
i'm so thankful. there is fullness of joy in my life and peace in my soul that had been missing for a long time. "true love" is dying to yourself, loving selflessly and serving others, even your enemies- not quite the image i had in mind during all the "cheers!" with my wineglass. but i don't regret a thing and i wouldn't have it any other way. as He's expanding my heart, He's increasing my capacity to receive even more of His love. as cheesy as it sounds, it's better than the jets miraculously winning the superbowl. speaking of which, i won't give up on them. #ganggreen. through thick and thin.

This is what the Lord says:

“Let not the wise boast of their wisdom
    or the strong boast of their strength
    or the rich boast of their riches, but let the one who boasts boast about this:
    that they have the understanding to know me,
that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,
    justice and righteousness on earth,
    for in these I delight,”
declares the Lord.

Jeremiah 9:23-25

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves