making much of God.

if we're really honest with ourselves, most of us are guilty of limiting God and the extent of his power and love. we factor in our flawed past, miserable failures and endless shortcomings and immediately disqualify ourselves for greatness. whether we realize it or not, we diminish the authority we carry that we received when we became adopted sons and daughters of the Most High and our identity as a royal priesthood is lost somewhere in the midst of the mediocrity we imprison ourselves in. the enemy stunts our minds to only see with our eyes and judge by experience so that we neglect to include God in the equation. what dreams and aspirations that remain are then only attained by our striving, all the while tirelessly building up our credentials and self-worth. we so easily forget that we serve the almighty King of Kings who makes the impossible possible. so we settle for much less than what God is desiring to give us because we don't really believe in His restoration and redemption. i confess, even as i died to certain areas in my life, i still let doubt creep in and trample on my faith on a God who is mightier. so i silenced what was happening and chose to fight instead for His promise specifically for my family. the more i interceded and asked for His heart for our situation, He began to show me how jealous He is for our love and devotion and that we needed to forsake every other lover. with profound revelation of His love, i was able to surrender various parts of our lives and i had faith that as we died, God would resurrect us by His grace and power alone. the answer i got while praying a few weeks ago was simply "yes," but that this was more than just an advancement in career, prestigious reputation, or for the sake of a secure future. He wants to use us to carry His light & hope, bring revival to the lost and glory and honor to His name. we got the call today. the answer was "YES." JESUS. You really do make all things beautiful just in time. it's perfect. and once again, i'm incredibly humbled and in awe of You.

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love

wholly Yours.

like so many little girls, there are particular dreams and desires deep in my heart that i've held onto so securely, complete with a fairy tale ending and of course, a prince charming. my perception of these ideals have been shattered and bruised, remolded and transformed along the way, nevertheless, ever present and increasing in my pursuit. as shallow as it sounds, my greatest passion and source of satisfaction and identity was to be the most amazing wife and mother. it's almost as if i had a consuming obsession for these goals but never considered it a hindrance or stumbling block because they are essentially good and harmless. i didn't realize that my relentless grip on them were actually taking the place of God on the throne in my life (really scary!). i was unable to give them up in fear that i would be stuck with second best if i didn't take control of my own fate, like God would make a huge mistake or forget about me (yes, ridiculous, i know). i had my future all planned out, already claiming it was mine, unwilling to budge or divert and imprudently asked God for His blessings and provision. subconsciously, i was ready to give God everything, so as long as he provided a husband and kids. my hypothetical sacrifice was conditional and half-hearted. whenever i'm faced with the challenge to give up my future and self-seeking desires for the sake of Jesus and the gospel, i'm always hesitant to lay this specific part of my life down. but today was different. i just couldn't stand to live with these limitations on God anymore because it was slowly suffocating me. as i let the truth and gravity of what Jesus meant in His word when he calls us to take up the cross and lose our lives resonate in my heart, it awakened a desperate yearning in my soul to finally give them up completely. as i raised my hand in response to this costly call and eventually stood up in surrender to God, i could hear my voice shaking as i said the words for the first time audibly, "i give up my right to a husband. i give up my right to having children." i could barely make it through the sentences without freaking out quite a bit inside. but the hard part was over now. it felt like whatever was inside of me that was aching to be released for so long finally experienced freedom. then the panic was replaced with an overwhelming peace and i could breathe normally again. who am i to plan out my life based on my limited view of God? i'm dying to these desires, rights and everything i call mine in order to gain what's eternal. Jesus, i'm Yours.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life[f] will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?
Matthew 16: 24-26

stronger.

truth be told, being sick absolutely sucks. i'm losing motivation to leave my room, getting nauseous at the sight of food and falling asleep every half hour. and what's even more frustrating is that i'll sporadically have good days where i feel almost completely better, only to crash again the following day. what a tease! (ok, maybe i shouldn't have gone cliff jumping yesterday. NG). as i was laying in my bed last week, wishing i had the strength to just make it to the prayer room, i realized how swiftly the enemy was to attack me while i was physically so weak. i began to doubt all the convictions from the first 2 weeks of DTS, started worrying about my future again, and felt foolish for thinking that God would actually call me to something greater than the limited ambitions i have for myself. just as i was convincing myself that i will probably end up going back to my comfortable and stable lifestyle at home in december with no real transformation, i caught onto what the enemy was doing & immediately restrained myself from believing the lies. i stopped feeling sorry for myself and reclaimed the truth and the real work He is doing in me during this season. as difficult as it is to proclaim when i don't tangibly feel it, i know Jesus is my healer and He's renewing this weak spirit in me everyday. my desire now is that there will be be less of me and more of Him & He'll literally be my strength in my weakness. thank God He's stronger than our viruses, stronger than the doubts that creep in uninvited, and stronger than the enemy who'll do anything to steal our joy. even in the silence that accompanies being sick at home alone and although i tend to focus on what i'm missing out on, Jesus, could it be that you are wanting to speak to me? far away from all the distractions and voices that cloud up my head, in the clarity of this moment, God, i just want You. yeah, i want Your restoration, Your strength and Your voice, but most of all i just want You.

Take these hands and lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
For I have nothing,I have nothing without You

Take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing,I have nothing without You

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing without You

Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing,I have nothing without You

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing
But I love You

With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my might
With all the strength that I can find

Take my time here on this earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing,
I am nothing without You

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

be still.

cease from striving.


so i had this amazing date with Jesus last night. we walked downtown to the pier right around sunset, sat on the ledge by the rocks and listened to the crashing waves together. there was no music. no wrestling with God. no struggle to find an answer. i just felt like God saying i needed to be quiet and listen- even though He didn't say anything. the longer i pondered on the vastness of God and soaked in the endless ocean before me, i couldn't help but feel incredibly small. like, who am i that the God of the universe, the creator of heaven and earth, would know me? but even in the midst of acknowledging the magnitude and enormity of God, i knew i was so thoroughly and entirely known by Him- that we can share inside jokes just between the two of us and even a tiny glance toward His direction moves His heart. to be honest, yeah, i still struggle with entrusting my future plans and ambitions completely to God and i worry about finding a spouse and having children. this next part is pretty scary to admit, but in that place of being still with Jesus, none of it really mattered anymore. my calling, direction in life, career path- God's loosening my grip and control of it all and teaching me to surrender, not due to legalism or conviction in itself, but because faith is rising up in me and i believe with my whole entire being that God is faithful and good and has amazing plans for my life. what do i have to be afraid of?? so in the quietness and stillness, when it seems like nothing is happening or i should be striving harder, i'll wait with eager expectation to hear You. oh, JESUS.

i want to sit at Your feet, drink from the cup in Your hand. lay back against You and breath, feel Your heartbeat. this love is so deep, it's more than i can stand. i melt in Your peace, it's overwhelming.

worth it all.

i had this intense yearning in my heart last night that i didn't know what to do with. at one point while i was watching Jesus Freaks (documentary film on the DTS in boulder, co), this desperate hunger in me just got to be so overwhelming that i couldn't stop crying and i had no idea why. then i realized that for 28 years, i've allowed my soul to settle and be satisfied with so much less than what i was created for. so i went to the prayer room and asked God if it was possible to have an intimate love relationship with Him that lasted forever- that instead of fading through the years after the honeymoon phase, our love would only grow stronger and deeper. then this gentle peace came over me. i stopped crying and the rest of the questions disappeared. i felt Jesus reassuring me as He said, "jini, you have no idea." there were times in the past where i thought i knew all there was to know about Jesus's love. i was sure it was as good as He gets, as if i reached the maximum capacity to receive His love or something. oy vey. ever since i stepped off the plane, God has been blowing me away with His furious love for me. can it really be possible that we're invited to live in this perpetual discovery of the goodness of God? this has to be real. i thought about all that i gave up to be in this place- my lukewarm affections & offerings, financial security & stability, worldly luxuries & pleasures- and concluded that He is worthy of it all and so much more. not to sound extremely cheesy or anything, but i went on the sweetest date ever today. we didn't have an agenda. i just wanted to go on a walk with Jesus and ask Him to reveal how He felt about me. for the next 3 hours, i could tangibly sense God's delight and joy over me. i seriously felt like a giddy, totally smitten little girl, falling crazy in love yet so safe and secure. with cars and people passing me by, i couldn't help but constantly close my eyes, lift my head to the sky and raise my arms to my side and say out loud "Jesus, Jesus," with the biggest smile on my face. yeah, crazy, i know. & so worth it. just a little while longer til i see You.

i'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who gave it all. i'll stand, my soul, Lord, to You surrendered. all i am is Yours.

but while he was still a long way off...

his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. Luke 15:20

is it possible to have breakthrough and revelation every day? because it hasn't even been a week since i've arrived in hawaii and i already feel like God has done more in these past few days than in the past 28 years. during lecture this morning, in the most gentle and ravishing way, i felt Jesus telling me to just let Him love me and hear and believe what He says about me. i've been exhausted and i didn't even know it- trying so hard to make things happen on my own strength, even my pursuit of God. but Jesus is making the first move, like He always does, and waiting for me to respond and say that i choose Him, above all else. He's revealing that i was meant to be pursued so passionately and embraced so purely. i was reminded that despite what lies i've convinced myself of in the past, He calls me worthy of this extravagant love because of what He did on the cross for me. how true is it that all roads lead back to the cross. and as we remember the cross and His sacrifice and ultimate display of love, we're able to live through His resurrection. i came to hawaii so rejected, defeated and broken, desperate to see the face of God and have a calling and purpose for my life. and today, i know Jesus's purpose for me is that i would be loved. so while i'm still a long, long way off, i'm letting Jesus run to me and just embrace me. Jesus, i'm falling so hard for You all over again and it's seriously ruining me for everything else. to a God who paints sunsets just for me and speaks so tenderly to me, i'm choosing You and saying yes- to all that you have for me, whatever that may look like. this is just too good.

just in time.

there are various seasons in our lives, specific people, dire needs, or certain issues that God will burden our hearts with in order for us to enter into intercession, to stand before God and cry out for until we have breakthrough. i'm experiencing that through coming to Jesus, repeatedly with the same request, my heart is being molded and conformed to fit His desires and purposes. i'm seeing with my own eyes how God's been unveiling glimpses of the glorious things he has in store for us but it's up to us to take those small steps forward and choose to keep believing in His promises and faithfulness, especially when it's so difficult and we're tempted in every way to just give into doubt. it's easy to throw our hands up in defeat and lose hope when there's delay or rejection. i think the whole point is trusting and proclaiming that God is more committed to the things on our hearts than we are. from the moment we lifted up the first prayer, God already answered. so even when i don't see a solution or get an immediate answer, i know He's still faithful and teaching me to be patient as i learn more of who He is. on this journey of persistent and continued petitioning, i'm knowing God and believing i'm so loved and being pursued by a really, really good and perfectly loving God. He's revealing what's on His heart and in the process, stripping me of my self-sufficiency and self-righteousness, even as i'm interceding for others. the transformation comes from simply spending time with Jesus. the one person i love the most in this world, besides my parents, is my sis. i would give everything i have for her and suffer on her behalf. lately when i pray for her and present her requests before God, my heart literally aches because as much as i love her with my flawed and lacking love, i know Jesus's love for her is infinitely greater and stronger. His affection for her just blows me away. it's deeper than the ocean and wider than the sky, i believe this. God knows how desperately i want for her to be satisfied of every desire and deepest longing, even the things she doesn't say out loud. but now i'm seeing that God's dedication and faithfulness to her compared to mine is worlds apart and He'll make everything beautiful. until then, i'll keep contending for the fulfillment of Your promises, Jesus.

And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8: 27-28