love is patient.

we were made for God. we were created to love God and our hearts belong to Him. so it's no wonder that when we're so quick to give our hearts away to another, it leaves us more broken and emptier than before. because He is jealous for our love and is a relentless lover, He'll put barriers and obstacles in our way. He'll come after us, passionately, wholeheartedly, patiently, until we're fully His. i've been reflecting back at all my failed attempts at love and realized i was always so eager and willing to hand my heart over to anyone who asked & even those who didn't. each time it didn't work out and i needed healing, God was just as quick to repair, restore and make my heart fully whole once again. even still, i just gave it away to someone else. again. and again. i missed the point. i didn't see that God was restoring my heart for Him alone. God, i didn't know. how did i miss this for so long? now i see. all the times i fell and got hurt, God, You were right there, redeeming me and wanting so badly for me to give my heart fully to You. but You were so patient with me because You just love me. You were luring me back when i didn't recognize You. now i'm ready. now all i want is for you to take my heart. take everything. i found where i belong and it's right here, in Your presence. there's no place i'd rather be.
first let's fall in love. then we'll change the world. first let's fall in love. first things first.

heartbreaker.

one of the hardest things you can ever do on your own strength is attempt to love someone who has no idea how to receive it, certainly doesn't deserve it, and does nothing to reciprocate. instead, they treat you horribly and say awful things to push you away, daring you to hate them. it seems like the logical thing to do in such cases would be to just cut the losses and run as fast as you can in the other direction. so why do i still feel compelled to extend love and show grace? why is my heart heavy and burdened to pray for those who hurt me repeatedly? sometimes i hate that i care as much as i do and i wish i could just turn it off like a switch. i regret giving the benefit of the doubt or seeing the good in people despite what they believe about themselves. in moments of deep hurt and anger, i wish i could take back all the hope, prayers and love i put into someone who treats me like garbage. to be quite honest, i know i have an unhealthy tolerance of permitting myself to be treated so disparagingly, putting others' desires and even faults above my own principles. sporadically, i have to genuinely question if i'm a masochist because it's not right that i'm the martyr in every relationship, always the punching bag. i admit, i have a savior complex that i need to shake off, fast. (God, help!) but when i examine why or how i can quickly forgive every offense and truly see others the way Jesus sees them, i know it's only because i'm aware of how profoundly i've been forgiven. i love Jesus but i break His heart more than i'd like to admit, more than i'm even aware of, and i know i can't hide all the shameful and disgusting junk that's inside of me. nevertheless, i know he shares my every pain and heartache each time i fall so hard. and every morning when i wake up and God still allows me to feel His mercy and grace over me, despite how miserably i failed the day before, i'm humbled and utterly grateful to have a God who is that devoted and patient with me. in these instances where i really let His truth seep in, i recognize that i would be completely hopeless if i didn't have someone like our God who is constantly fighting for me and believing in me. isn't it ironic that when we crush God's heart, He's still so quick to restore ours and make us whole again? it's not fair at all if you really think about it. it's extravagant and ridiculous. but that's grace. and that's Jesus. God, i'm so undeserving.

waiting.

despite being a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic and wildly optimistic, i have bouts of skepticism that i struggle to fight off until i'm ultimately faced with either extreme joy or quiet disappointment. there can be (what i believe to be) a hundred confirmations, all signs pointing to YES, seemingly undeniable conviction and still, i'll hold onto that sliver of possibility that, yet again, i won't get my happy ending. as hard as it is, i use all my might and faith to silence those doubts as i choose to believe and fight for my promises instead, no matter what the predicaments or how long the delay. then once in a while, right when it really counts, God surprises us with supernatural favor and provision to the point where we cannot ever second guess His direction or His hand over our lives anymore. in the midst of upset and rejection, this tiny glimmer of hope turns into one of the greatest opportunities that we would've never experienced had everything gone according to our original plan or even our backup plan. we hold our breath and beg for something good and God replies, "no, i'm going to give you something even greater. just trust me and wait." somehow every blow from the past is redeemed in this one moment when we finally hear God say yes, against all odds. if there's anything i learned these past few weeks is that you really can't control God or attempt to figure Him out. He is God & i am not- plain & simple. i can't explain why certain things happen the way they do and i'm learning to stop demanding a reason. there are no bribes or magic prayers, no elite connections and name-dropping with God. but there is something to thanking and praising God in every season, especially when it goes against our emotions or what the world dictates. it releases us from being bound by our circumstances and frees us to worship anyways. in all this, we're reminded again and again that it's really not about us at all. God, i am so humbled & amazed by You. You are still good.

God makes miracles out of what seems insignificant: fragile faith, a little kindness, and ordinary people. —Julie Ackerman Link

In all the setbacks of your life as a believer, God is plotting for your joy. —John Piper

no plan B.

whenever negative things happen in our lives, i think we all potentially run the risk of becoming angry at God. somehow the bad occurrences are attributed to God and we either take credit for the good or simply forget to thank Him for his provision. by nature, we become easily offended by trials, setbacks and rejections to the point where we might actually even blame God, as if he stopped being good or changed his mind about loving us. i can't say it's exactly easy to avoid believing this atrocious, yet admittedly alluring, lie. in light of this, i'm realizing more and more these days why faith is such a gift and why it's so fundamental and necessary. it takes genuine faith to see beyond a crappy situation and see God's perspective. i'm not referring to an abstract faith in an elusive and mysterious higher being or just a fairytale concept that makes me feel better about myself. this honestly brings no comfort to me when i'm desperate to be rescued and need to see the light. but when i really think about who it is that i build my faith on, a God who is love, there's no way i can convince myself that he wouldn't want the very best for me. as if He'd take away something good only to replace it with something worse. so even the disappointments in life, the many "no"s and situations when i don't exactly get what i prayed for, the painful instances when i swear that God must be so angry with me and is punishing me, even in these times i can still believe that God is for me and will always be good. when i gain the wisdom and strength to take a step back and ask for His perspective, it's only then that my eyes are opened to see what else He's doing. but it means letting go of the past hurts, regrets & my control and really allowing God to take over. during the past few days, i've experienced, and now i'm fully confident, that the course of our lives is never set on plan B just because things don't go as we planned. i witnessed that as we die to insisting on our own way or trying so hopelessly to make our lives work or fit a mold, God will sometimes literally call us with a better offer. in His timing, in this case the very next day, His plans will be revealed with His undeniable fingerprints all over it. as events and situations unfold so effortlessly, we come to find that this is exactly right, just perfectly the way things were supposed to be all along. it's so true that the "no"s really become a huge YES to something so much greater. redemption is so sweet. :)

“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
the great locust and the young locust,
the other locusts and the locust swarm—
my great army that I sent among you.
You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will my people be shamed.
Then you will know that I am in Israel,
that I am the LORD your God,
and that there is no other;
never again will my people be shamed.

Joel 2: 25-27

so much more.

i'd be lying if i said i'm not sad about leaving NY/NJ to live in hawaii for 12 weeks. i think about all the important events i'm going to miss out on: 30th birthdays, thanksgiving with family, playing football, weekends partying with friends. as far as i'm aware, this is as good as it gets with minimal fluctuations. i consciously have to stop myself from filling my head with all these regrets in order to attempt to comprehend what's waiting for me on the horizon. i'm simply not used to desiring so much or wanting more than i have. it's hard for me to hope for more than what i can see or what i can even imagine. but when i first signed up for this, i know for certain that God was wanting to rock my world and turn it upside down. with only 30 days left until i leave everything that's routine and familiar, i still can't grasp what to expect or prepare for what's to come. i'm just holding onto this great expectation that still overwhelms me like nothing else has ever had the power to do.


"It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
C.S. Lewis

choose love.

like anyone else, there are times where i get caught between doing the right thing and taking the easy way out and chalking it up to one of many excuses. how is it that the right thing is often the hardest thing to do? it's tempting to not ever risk being vulnerable for the sake of others. and yeah, sometimes i'd rather be comfortable in my own world- walls and guards up high- not letting anything that might disrupt my peace to seep in. the danger is, given enough time, this is when our hearts grow cold and numb. we stay silent, become passive-aggressive, cut off relationships way too easily and forget how to really care for others. the easy route, never allowing ourselves to ever feel sad or any hint of pain, only perpetuates the cycle because we inevitably end up hurting those around us. we choose our pride and fake confidence over being vulnerable and weak. when i look back at all the times i felt deeply hurt, i couldn't wait to snap out of it. i would pray for time to pass by quickly or that God would literally erase my mind of certain memories (confession: i actually prayed for this just yesterday). i convince myself that i will always choose to stay safe from now on than risk ever feeling this way again because it's not worth it. that's usually around when i hear this loud voice inside that tells me to choose love instead- even if that means i don't do anything but allow myself to receive real love & deep healing. maybe even through the pain and time that passes so slowly God wants to reveal something so spectacular that i couldn't even imagine in my wildest dreams. i'm holding onto that maybe.


How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

Eloisa to Abelard by Alexander Pope

fight or flight?

i had the most vividly disturbing dream last night. all of my teeth were loose and one by one, i was effortlessly spitting out giant, bloody teeth in total dismay. as you can imagine, i woke up with the most unsettling anxiety. any former presence of peace and confidence was replaced with doubts and fear. how did this happen so quickly? and more importantly, what am i so stressed about? (i heard teeth dreams have to do with stress). i have no qualms about the future- hawaii, outreach, even coming back home in december after almost 6 months of being away. when i'm honest with myself, i know this restlessness stems from whatever unresolved issues i have now. oh gosh. i thought i was over & done with this. i'd hate to be the type that hides ugly scars and failures with colorful band-aids & fake smiles, with only temporary relief and superficial fixes. and now, on the heels of a blissful and amazing past 2 weeks, i'm reminded once again that the enemy is never too far from trying to steal my joy & deafen my ears to hear God's voice. i'm also made starkly aware that this really is not about me at all. i confess, i subconsciously convinced myself that this calling & decision was accredited to me being "good" (whatever that means) or useful, whereas before i wasn't. as if i'm eligible & qualified now and can do God this big favor or something. twisted logic, i know. i'm just learning as i'm going & taking notes along the way. so what do i do now? fight or flight? even if i chose to fight, i don't even know what i'm fighting for; i just know i don't want to do it anymore. so, i guess it's convenient that there's a flight option just around the corner. as much as it seems like a cop-out, running away can be the right answer at times, especially when i'm actually running TO something. when it comes down to it, we all just want someone to stand up and fight for us. when we have nothing left to give and we're fresh out of ideas and strategies and we're one small straw away from giving up on it all, whether we acknowledge it or not, we need someone stronger, someone able, and someone incredibly loving & beautiful to tell us we're worth fighting for. the last thing i want to be is weak and needy, but i confess, i'm desperate for You to take me by the hand and tell me that You're still fighting for me.