Better.

I'm quickly realizing that I don't always make the best decisions, yet God is consistently so faithful and gracious to me. It's also dawning on me that I really can't keep taking this grace and/or "luck" for granted. I feel desperate to get out of this vicious cycle of picking myself back up after too many falls, mistakes & regrets. I'm twenty freaking eight years old and all of a sudden the harsh truth is hitting me: I've got to stop messing around & making poor decisions because the clock is ticking and I'm not getting any younger. I need to grow up, be wiser, and more responsible for my actions. Although I can visibly see how much I've grown even in the past few months, I'm still desiring to be so much more. So as of right now, I'm vowing to be a better Jini. God, please help :)

"Don't give up on your faith. Love comes to those who believe it." Celine Dion.
Digging this quote...but as much as we believe in love, it really comes to those who are worthy of such love. So yeah, I'm striving to be one who is worthy of true, radical, extravagant love :)

isn't life funny?

you know there are times when you try so hard to make something work but it just never does? the timing is not right, it's completely out of your control and nothing is happening the way you planned. so after one too many disappointments, you slowly loosen your grip and finally throw your hands up and surrender. you pray for a fresh start and new eyes to see what God sees. then, not too long after, on a day when you swear the sun is shining extra bright, you realize what you were looking for has been there all along right in front of you. you wonder how it's possible that you never noticed before but thankful that your perspective has changed. the rest has yet to be written i suppose...you never know ;)

umma's prayer for sis & me

A Father Prayer by General Douglas MacArthur

(replace son w/ daughters and father w/ mother)

Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid; one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.

Build me a son whose wishbone will not be where his backbone should be; a son who will know Thee….Lead him, I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge. Here let him learn to stand up in the storm; here let him learn compassion for those who fail.

Build me a son whose heart will be clean, whose goal will be high; a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will learn to laugh, yet never forget how to weep; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.

And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough of a sense of humor, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility, so that he may always remember the simplicity of greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, the meekness of true strength.

Then I, his father, will dare to whisper, “I have not lived in vain.”



Read more at A Father Prayer by General Douglas MacArthur

gotta have faith.

It's incredible how far a little bit of faith can go. I'm realizing this as I'm reflecting on the beginning of this year, now already 3 months in. The most suitable word that would perfectly describe Jini in 2011 up until not too long ago is simply: numb. I didn't really allow myself to feel anything or have a reaction that was either hot or cold. Somewhere along the way, as much as I'd hate to admit this, I lost my faith. It's ironic that I can have tons of faith in God for others, pray big prayers with total conviction & proclaim miracles, yet when it comes to believing for myself, I'm full of doubts. Being a control freak and having a mild case of OCD, I confess I tried to make it on my own strength and willpower. As if I could do things better, I neglected to trust that I'm a beloved child of God. How could he NOT provide and care for His very own creation? We are His masterpiece. All the stress, anxiety, worries, fears and anger, these things just reaffirmed the fact that there was a vast absence of faith in a loving and omnipotent God. Although my faith is nowhere near perfect, I'm rediscovering that it's not necessarily the amount of faith that matters so much as the object of my faith. Gradually, I'm learning to fully believe that God really IS so good and I have nothing to fear. And as I'm allowing this powerful truth to sink in and take root, I'm finding myself breathing easier, with peace in my heart, smiling at the future.



11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.
Jeremiah 29

3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37

one and only

You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face

God only knows
Why it's taken me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared
I've been here before
Every feeling, every word
I've imagined it all
You'll never know, if you never try
To forgive your past, and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be
Your one and only
Promise I'm worth it
To hold in your arms
So come on
And give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

If I've been on your mind
You hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name

Will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me
Whichever road I choose you'll go

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart



one & only. adele.

i lied.

i figure it's about time i finally confront this or maybe it's just that now i'm wholeheartedly committed to make a fresh start. either way, i'm acknowledging and believing that sometimes things have to fall apart in order to make room for something much greater. thus, this week i began to pray very simply for God to renew my mind, heal my heart and give me eyes to see His perspective.
as expected and feared i started crying, uncontrollably, as God began to unlock very specific, painful memories that i never wished to revisit. since the beginning of the new year, i've been in denial about certain things that occurred. and after an atrocious night when i couldn't imagine how anything could get any worse, my heart shut down and i lost my mind the next day when the cops came to my house and eluded to the possibility of sis being kidnapped/missing with her car abandoned in a shady area. frantic and utterly hysterical, i believed i was being punished by losing the most important person in my life. (obviously, it turned out she was totally fine). although it's very uncharacteristic of me to do so, i brushed everything under the rug, just incredibly desperate to erase it all & be the stronger one. i accepted apologies almost arrogantly & very coldly saying "i already know you're sorry" & "it's fine" like a robot. all my actions were very matter of fact and proud, never allowing this person to see me cry or give any hint that i might be hurt. subconsciously, i just continued to play along but in the back of my mind i always knew things weren't ok, not even a little bit. maybe it was just about not losing or giving him the satisfaction. i also just wanted to be the merciful one, forgiving quickly and saying that i'll still pray for him because i still loved him as my friend. as twisted as it sounds, i extended grace only as a defense mechanism because this was easier than admitting how much i was hurting inside.
but now i'm realizing that by pretending to be strong and put together, i was denying myself the opportunity to properly grieve for the incident. for the first time ever, i confessed (to God and myself) that it's NOT ok. i lied when i said it was. it's not as if i'm retracting my forgiveness or holding a grudge. i'm just trying to face reality, albeit harsh and daunting, and receive real healing so i can move on, healthy and whole. truthfully, i feel like i put myself in this predicament in the first place by believing i was strong enough for the both of us. i tried to fix something that had no quick solution & save someone i had no control over. so during this whole process, i'm learning to genuinely forgive myself too and discovering that i should be unapologetic about putting myself first when necessary. no more lies or putting on a front. God, i need Your restoration all over again.

silent.

i'm stuck trying to find a happy medium between saying too much and nothing at all. this is atypical of me because i'm usually not one to be at a loss for words. in the past i've always shared exactly how i'm feeling or what's on my mind, saying things i would most likely regret the next day. i had no problem with confrontation, not really considering the backlash or how i might come off. and now, as i'm growing up and becoming somewhat wiser, i'm learning to hold my tongue, and not just for my sake but for the sake and sanity of others. even if i wanted to, this time i honestly don't know how to put into words a proper explanation that will make sense or bring any clarity. so here we are. just mute. maybe it's better to say nothing at all, to save face and not risk being incredibly vulnerable, even if it means possibly hurting the one i'm being silent to. perhaps it's more beneficial to let them conjure up their own assumptions, however inaccurate or deluded, of what's going on than to lay out the truth. because the reality is i want to say everything you want to hear but won't let myself. not this time. i want to share with you something that made me laugh out loud yesterday, ask you how you're doing, say how much i miss being your friend. i want to tell you that this isn't about my pride or winning or losing. afterall, in the end it all comes down to love. so without carefully articulated words, in my silence and stillness, i hope this truth is louder than any false conjecture.