Tuesday, February 19, 2013

happy endings.

“I don't want to stay in the bad place, where no one believes in silver linings or love or happy endings.” 

there's a handful of people in my life who compel me to love Jesus more. they sharpen me, motivate me to run harder after God and they hold my arms up when i feel like i'm losing the battle like aaron & hur did for moses. these marvelous comrades speak life over me, call me to a higher standard and fill my heart with love and compassion. then there are others, who have stormed in and stormed right out like a revolving door, whom i wish i never met at all. i would've been better off w/o ever meeting them. i can totally relate to tiffany in silver linings playbook as she tells pat, "You know, for a while, I thought you were the best thing that ever happened to me. But now I'm starting to think you're the worst."
 i know it may sound harsh to admit but sometimes i can't help but ask God why certain people were ever allowed to be part of my life- bringing disruption, causing stress & heartache and leaving me worse off than before. they lifted me up only to leave me at a higher distance from which to fall, so it seems. fortunately, there have only been a few, but they were significant enough to make an impact and leave scars & so much offense in my heart. this is in no way to blame God or hold Him responsible for the choices i made. but especially when decisions are made prayerfully, full of wisdom and confirmation, and it still screws me over in the end, it's hard to reconcile or make sense of it. 
i haven't personally felt this way about anyone in a very long time (thank God) & i hope to keep it that way. there is no sob story that still plagues me or an ex that i need to forgive or get over. i was just reminded of this because i saw silver linings playbook last weekend & thoroughly enjoyed it. this is going to make me sound like a lunatic but i loved jennifer lawrence's character, tiffany, so much because she reminds me of myself in many ways. haha. (hm...maybe more like how i used to be). "I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I'm empty! I have nothing!"
she's reckless & unruly and although she's experienced tragedy & loss, she's still so quick to let herself love again. tiffany went through unbelievable pain which led to a certifiably crazy phase but it didn't stop her from taking risks, even on someone who was as broken & messed up as she was.  i wouldn't recommend this sort of behavior for anyone and i don't commend or admire those who conduct themselves in such a way. it's unstable, dangerous and immature but at the same time there's such an ironic purity and innocence about it. love like you've never been hurt- sounds awfully nice. almost impossible to do. 
the thing is, we can't fully control who we let into our lives to ensure safety and peace. if we're in constant fear or paranoia of the bad guys & attempt to screen and weed out anyone who has the slightest chance of betraying and forsaking us, we'll end up all alone. no one, even our most trusted friends and cherished family members who have the best intentions, can ever promise to never hurt us. that's life. it happens. we can't change others, our circumstances or our past but we can choose how we respond. instead of becoming so easily jaded and slipping into bitterness and despair, we can still intentionally choose to believe in love. i've always been called a "hopeless romantic" which i always hated b/c it doesn't make any sense. shouldn't it be "hopeful romantic"? we're the most hope-filled ones, against all odds and beyond all reason. 

"The only way to beat my crazy was by doing something even crazier. Thank you. I love you."



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