me: i'm an idealist
5:07 PM guy friend: Thats not being ideal
Thats just being weird
not to say that i'm so mindful of what guys think or would dare to claim to know what goes on in that head of theirs, but i often forget that men don't typically share the same sentiments that i do. despite what my anonymous guy friend deems as "weird," i don't believe there's anything wrong or unreasonable about knowing what you want, how you want it to happen and not budging or settling for anything less- especially in life's most important decisions. quoting from clueless- Cher: "I just want to be absolutely sure! I mean, you see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet!"
although i left out the rest of the IM chat, one can probably gather that the subject matter was about relationships, specifically my relationship status and why i'm still single. somehow, wanting to marry my best friend- someone i already feel comfortable & safe with, whom i strive to effortlessly impress without being self conscious, and one who accepts me exactly the way i am, yet inspires me to grow and improve myself- is being too stubborn and unrealistic. i gotta admit though, it definitely limits my choices and further minimizes the already shallow and narrow pool. i started to worry that maybe i was sabotaging promising opportunities and not giving myself a fair shot b/c i'm already so set on how this should play out. and you know what? that's precisely my biggest problem- i always already have everything figured out. i'm a chronic planner/organizer/controller.
one of the biggest lessons that the Lord has been continually teaching me the past couple years is just to let go, trust Him, and just chill the heck out. i feel like i blog about this topic too often. stop being so uptight and stop needing to define everything (also kindly suggested by my anonymous friend). even w/in the past couple weeks i'm discovering just how liberating and unburdening it is to die to insisting on my own way and giving it all to God. in a particular case recently, as quickly as i sincerely and fully gave up my own agenda and timeline and laid it before Him, He gave it right back in His perfect timing along with extra bonuses that i forgot i even prayed about. yeah, dying to my own will and denying myself of taking control of my life is as unpleasant as it gets. but i realized that's exactly what it means to make Jesus the Lord of my life. there's no room for 2 on His throne. it's frightening to think that i might be missing out on what the Lord has for me because i'm holding on so tight to my desires and rights.
Moses answered, “What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, ‘The Lord did not appear to you’?”
Then the Lord said to him, “What is that in your hand?”
“A staff,” he replied.
The Lord said, “Throw it on the ground.”
Moses threw it on the ground and it became a snake, and he ran from it. Then the Lord said to him, “Reach out your hand and take it by the tail.” So Moses reached out and took hold of the snake and it turned back into a staff in his hand. “This,” said the Lord, “is so that they may believe that the Lord, the God of their fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has appeared to you.”
i love this passage in exodus 4. moses is protesting with God about how his inadequacies and fears disqualify him for God's mighty purposes. then He simply asks moses what he's holding onto- a staff- his identity, his future, his security. just by his own strength and imagination, i'm sure moses had a picture of what his life might look and feel like, and i honestly don't think he was losing any sleep over it- b/c he had no idea there was so much more. but as soon as moses threw down what he was holding onto so dearly, God took his ordinary staff, performed a miraculous sign with it, and gave it back to him full of power. he wasn't afraid anymore b/c he trusted God.
speaking of which, i never really understood why anyone would be afraid of God's glory. after all, isn't His glory supposed to fill us with awe and wonder of His splendor and cause us to fall on our faces in worship? what's so scary about that? yes, i know God is holy and our sinfulness can keep us from approaching Him with confidence, but there's more to this fear. it's a fear of throwing down our staff in order to take hold of His glory. it's a fear of letting go completely and trusting Him explicitly b/c we don't have a clue as to how it will turn out. i may be clueless, even weird, about many things, but i'm not going to be afraid anymore. but when i am, i know the answer- more love. SHOW ME YOUR GLORY.
- There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, 1 John 4:18
I want to see Your glory as Moses did
Flashes of light and rolls of thunder,
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid
Show me Your glory, show me Your glory, my God
Show me Your glory, show me Your glory
I'm awed by Your beauty, lost in Your eyes
I long to walk in Your presence like Jesus did
Your glory surrounds me and I'm overwhelmed
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid
Show me Your glory, show me your glory, my God
Show me Your glory, show me Your glory
I long to look on the face of the One that I love
Long to stay in your presence, it's where I belong
Oh how we love you, Oh how we love you
Oh how we love you Jesus
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