anything could happen.

i think i hate surprises. even just the thought of the unexpected, the unplanned, & the unforeseeable makes me kinda apprehensive. i think i'd rather stick with my tunnel vision and straight jacket that keeps me from wandering too far or dreaming too big. i think i love abiding by rules and having as few choices as possible as to avoid confusion or misdirection.  i say i think because these preferences naturally fit my type-a personality and makes me feel safe- and you know what safe means? boring.
the first twenty something years of my life were spent craving predictability. even as a young kid i reveled in planning ahead so much so that i picked my outfit for the following day and wore it to bed at night so there was no question about it in the morning. in college i finished writing 30 page papers the very first weekend the assignment was given although it wasn't due until the end of the semester. there are so many more examples, even some OCD habits that i'm still actively shaking off, but recalling all of this actually makes me really sad. i was consumed just thinking for so long that it paralyzed me. when i examine my life, i realize that the most liberating experiences were never prearranged or scheduled- the times when i thought my heart was going to beat right out of my chest, or when there were uncontrollable butterflies in my stomach, or when i laughed so hard my abs literally ached the next day. i can't pinpoint exactly when it happened, but sometime right before, during and after living in hawaii & israel, i broke out of my mold and never turned back.
one of my best friends asked me last weekend when do i feel the most alive. without having to deliberate or weigh my options i replied, "when i'm singing & worshiping." i can't explain what happens within the five senses or sufficiently elaborate with words, but when i sing i'm free. when i'm standing in His presence, it's as if everything & everyone disappears and there's just glory all around. i'm literally high. there is no agenda. no ulterior motives. no pretension. i can't help but raise my arms up and lift my head to the sky as if i'm gazing intently into heaven with my eyes closed. you see, this has nothing to do with personality or temperament because worship is not about us, it's all about Jesus. it's only in this place where we are truly transformed and set free of all the tireless and vain thinking. okay this is so exhilarating because the Lord is just downloading revelation and wisdom even as i'm typing this :)

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3: 17-18

so i was seriously wrong. i don't enjoy stifling structure. i don't want to have the outline of my future before i get to live it. it's a far cry from the box i used to fit myself in, but i'm beginning to be a huge fan of the unknown- full of wonder & mystery & limitless possibilities. plus, He is a lot better at all of this planning . i am nowhere near as imaginative or creative.
i actually love surprises. i love it when i believe i have things figured out, God abruptly shows up on the scene, removes my blindfold, and opens my eyes to a whole new perspective. i love that He reinforces significant people back into my life at the most perfect times to remind me of my calling and destiny. i even love it when God so faithfully and mercifully blocks my path with thorn bushes and redirects me to greener pastures.

It's always like springtime with You, making all things new
Your light is breaking through the dark
This love it is sweeter than wine
Bringing joy, bringing life
Your hope is rising like the dawn

This is what You do, this is what You do
You make me come alive