and he will give you the desires of your heart. whenever i lose hope or feel overcome by darkness, i remind God of this promise, as if He needs my reminder. on the surface and at first glance, this almost seems to imply that He's a means to an end or simply a way to get what i really want. over the past year, He's been unfolding multiple layers of this passage and inadvertently bringing revelation of what is actually deep in my heart. the more i spend time in His presence and find myself delighting in Him, He becomes the object of my desires. it's like the more i taste and see Him the more i need, like an obsession...w/o the unhealthy side effects.
i have to be honest, though. even with this revelation of being found more and more in His presence, i still get furious and baffled with disbelief as i continue to offer my prayer requests to the Lord. i won't claim to be blameless or have zero faults, but i sincerely pursue holiness and strive to have integrity and purity in my actions and thoughts. so why are hurtful things still happening now? why the added WTF situations on top of the damage that has already been done? seriously. (gosh, i sound like such a whiner, i know). just when i start to feel whole and restored, i find myself derailed and hurt on new levels. and the worst part is, i can't even fight back anymore. i used to be fierce and fiery inside. now i just become paralyzed with fear, my mind racing with everything i want to say but don't, just stupidly in shock. the confrontation comes later when i'm in my room crying out to God that it's not fair. (yes, i realize how silly it sounds to tell God what's fair & not. a whole generation of israelites died before they got to enter the promised land and i'm telling God what's fair).
looking back, i realize that although i thought i was just being cowardly and a pushover, i was actually allowing God to be my defender and righteous judge and to fight for me when i couldn't do it anymore. even when i was faced with accusations and piercing words, i was overwhelmed with ridiculous stillness and inundated with inexplicable peace. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Psalm 23:5
so what if i never see redemption? what if He ultimately doesn't rescue, heal or provide? when i don't see the fulfillment of His promises or my heart's desires, will i love Him less if these are left unanswered? i don't wanna sound defeated or hopeless, or even worse, cynical. but i've been thinking a lot this week about petitioning with God and not getting the response that i want. is my love and commitment to God contingent on favorable results and abundant provisions? i'm reading through the book of daniel this week and the answer to all my previously stated questions in my heart are in daniel 3:17-18, "...the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not..."
what a privilege it is to choose God when we can't see Him through the darkness and fire that we're in. this short and fleeting life is the only chance we will have to be able to claim that we chose God even in the midst of our sickness and brokenness. although it hurts like heck and i don't understand, He's giving me opportunities to say yes to Him and still love Him when my heart is so offended and i can't make sense or reason out of what's going on. b/c that's real love, right? it's funny how this comes back full circle- in that, when there was absolutely nothing good in me, He first loved me. not that we could ever repay Christ for choosing us, but each time we choose Him, especially when it's extra hard, we're crowning Him with honor and glory.
i'm still holding onto the promise that He will be faithful to my heart's desires as i continue to delight in Him.
i haven't stopped praying for full restoration and crazy redemption and i know He's working everything out for my good. but even if He does not...
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