Saturday, November 12, 2011

daring to believe.


disclaimer: i feel like a bit of a broken record as i'm blogging about this again, an issue that rears its ugly head at me more than it's ever welcome to do. even still, i've never been one to shy away from confrontation, even & especially when it's internal, a matter of the heart.
with that, there's a perpetual battle raging inside of me that constricts me from courageously coming before the Lord with the pressing matters on my heart. subconsciously, i believe i've convinced myself that He can't be bothered with my silly desires when there are widespread famines and preposterous injustices that need to be tended to first. i've noticed that i oscillate from this place quite often. so i keep these desires at bay, even from my own heart, denying their authenticity or even the possibility that He might have given them to me in the first place. i tread ever so carefully making statements such as this, or even thinking it, because i never want to claim that my thoughts are His thoughts. and that's where the real wrestling kicks in because i believe, with much caution & hesitation, that these desires are not solely from my own flesh, but that He placed these desires in me for a purpose. i realized i fervently pray for other topics with full faith that He'll answer yet attempt to hide what's burning on my heart, as if i could ever really keep any secrets from Him. if i'm honest with myself, i know this resistance is fear. it hurts as i'm being stretched as He's daring me to trust that He actually is
this good- that He longs to be faithful to all the desires on my heart. so i'm faced with a predicament. i can either choose to believe, risk disappointment and the possibility of misinterpreting the Lord's voice, or i can dismiss these desires as just my own. to be frank, i'm very drawn to the idea of laying it all down before God mainly because it frightens me. i'm afraid of my heart taking offense, i fear losing faith in love, and i'm mostly just terrified that i'm not hearing God's voice. so of course i'd take the first opportunity to give this back to the Lord. i couldn't take control of this even if i tried.
this morning i began to think about my relationship with my dad again. i'm
confident in who i am in him and i'm familiar with his character well enough to know that i can come to him with anything, without fear of judgement or doubt that he'll provide. there is nothing i could ask my dad for that would ever compete with my love for him or become an idol in my life. furthermore, i know that if my dad could see my hesitation that was keeping me from standing before him as his daughter, it would deeply hurt him.
so what's keeping me from asking God? do i simply not know Him well enough? am i still living with the orphan mentality? last night i reached a point in my walk with God where i decided to lay it all out before Him and boldly ask. it was partly due to frustration & not wanting to struggle with it anymore but mostly about committing to trust that He's faithful to my heart's desires, and regardless of what happens, He will never cease to be so good. His character is not circumstantial. there are the type of requests that we bring before God daily, again and again, until he relents and our prayers are answered. i knew right away that this wouldn't be one of those prayers. i was only going to ask once but til the end contend to believe that God is better than we could ever hope for, greater than our hearts could ever dream. one thing that brings peace of mind and intense joy in my spirit is that it's all about Jesus. even through this difficult lesson in trust in Him alone, He's drawing me closer to Himself and revealing more of His heart to me.

in the end the heart longs not for any of God's good gifts, but for God Himself. to see Him and know Him and be in His presence is the soul's final feast. beyond this there is no quest. words fail. we call it pleasure, joy, delight. but these are weak pointers to the unspeakable experience. -Desiring God, John Piper

i ask only one thing from the Lord. this is what i want: let me live in the Lord's house all my life. let me see the Lord's beauty and look with my own eyes at his Temple. Psalm 27:4

You will not let your holy one rot. being with You will fill me with joy; at your right hand i will find pleasures forever. Psalm 16:11

enjoy serving the Lord, and He will give you what you want. depend on the Lord; trust Him, and He will take care of you. Psalm 37:4

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