betrothed forever.

i've always attributed my resilience and ability to overcome major adversities as simply just my personality. i'm strong. i'm a fighter. the more i ponder at this trait, i'm discovering it's not me at all. it's the Lord making me whole, giving me strength to endure hardships and pouring out His pure, untainted love. i blogged back in july when i first arrived in hawaii about His patient love.
each time Jesus reached into my heart to mend the broken pieces, i was so quick to give it to another lover, one that would never satisfy. He was so gentle with me as He waited for me to notice that it was Him all my life. i'm embarrassed and disgusted with myself for throwing my heart and affections far away from the only one it truly belongs to for so many years. but i know He's now longing for me to step into my identity as His bride. i've never had trouble relating to God as my heavenly Father and maker, the Holy Spirit as my helper and guide, or Jesus as my lover and friend. but i don't recall ever seeing myself as a bride of Christ. i guess i just never understood or fully grasped that reality. during a monday morning worship set sometime in august, as my eyes were closed and hands were raised to Him, i felt for the first time that i was His beloved bride. i saw myself wearing a beautiful white gown as He reached down from the sky and put a ring on my finger. what does one do with that kind of revelation?? the only thing i know to do is fall deeper in love and become radically desperate for more of Him.
as i'm reading the word, particularly the old testament while i'm living in Jerusalem, i'm receiving such crazy insight into His heart for His people, as if He's speaking directly into my ears. His pursuit is relentless and His love is absolutely furious. this morning i asked for wisdom and understanding before i began reading through hosea. after only reading the first couple chapters, i had to pause, raise my hands in worship and just get lost in His presence again. i'm in awe that He invites us to a life of enjoying Him forever. i'm humbled that He wants to marry me offers me every pleasure from His very hands. i couldn't stop repeating, "i want more of You, God. i want more of You, God..." this is more than just a desire, it's the most profound and consummate yearning in my spirit. i want to avoid coming off as overly dramatic or exaggerate my vocabulary for affect. but however it's conveyed, my sentiments will be lost in translation and words will never suffice. i have eternity on my mind.

Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
‘I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.’
She has not acknowledged that I was the one
who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
which they used for Baal.

“Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will respond as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
“In that day,” declares the LORD,
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master.’

I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.

Hosea 2:6-8, 14-16, 19-20