worth it all.

i had this intense yearning in my heart last night that i didn't know what to do with. at one point while i was watching Jesus Freaks (documentary film on the DTS in boulder, co), this desperate hunger in me just got to be so overwhelming that i couldn't stop crying and i had no idea why. then i realized that for 28 years, i've allowed my soul to settle and be satisfied with so much less than what i was created for. so i went to the prayer room and asked God if it was possible to have an intimate love relationship with Him that lasted forever- that instead of fading through the years after the honeymoon phase, our love would only grow stronger and deeper. then this gentle peace came over me. i stopped crying and the rest of the questions disappeared. i felt Jesus reassuring me as He said, "jini, you have no idea." there were times in the past where i thought i knew all there was to know about Jesus's love. i was sure it was as good as He gets, as if i reached the maximum capacity to receive His love or something. oy vey. ever since i stepped off the plane, God has been blowing me away with His furious love for me. can it really be possible that we're invited to live in this perpetual discovery of the goodness of God? this has to be real. i thought about all that i gave up to be in this place- my lukewarm affections & offerings, financial security & stability, worldly luxuries & pleasures- and concluded that He is worthy of it all and so much more. not to sound extremely cheesy or anything, but i went on the sweetest date ever today. we didn't have an agenda. i just wanted to go on a walk with Jesus and ask Him to reveal how He felt about me. for the next 3 hours, i could tangibly sense God's delight and joy over me. i seriously felt like a giddy, totally smitten little girl, falling crazy in love yet so safe and secure. with cars and people passing me by, i couldn't help but constantly close my eyes, lift my head to the sky and raise my arms to my side and say out loud "Jesus, Jesus," with the biggest smile on my face. yeah, crazy, i know. & so worth it. just a little while longer til i see You.

i'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who gave it all. i'll stand, my soul, Lord, to You surrendered. all i am is Yours.