like anyone else, there are times where i get caught between doing the right thing and taking the easy way out and chalking it up to one of many excuses. how is it that the right thing is often the hardest thing to do? it's tempting to not ever risk being vulnerable for the sake of others. and yeah, sometimes i'd rather be comfortable in my own world- walls and guards up high- not letting anything that might disrupt my peace to seep in. the danger is, given enough time, this is when our hearts grow cold and numb. we stay silent, become passive-aggressive, cut off relationships way too easily and forget how to really care for others. the easy route, never allowing ourselves to ever feel sad or any hint of pain, only perpetuates the cycle because we inevitably end up hurting those around us. we choose our pride and fake confidence over being vulnerable and weak. when i look back at all the times i felt deeply hurt, i couldn't wait to snap out of it. i would pray for time to pass by quickly or that God would literally erase my mind of certain memories (confession: i actually prayed for this just yesterday). i convince myself that i will always choose to stay safe from now on than risk ever feeling this way again because it's not worth it. that's usually around when i hear this loud voice inside that tells me to choose love instead- even if that means i don't do anything but allow myself to receive real love & deep healing. maybe even through the pain and time that passes so slowly God wants to reveal something so spectacular that i couldn't even imagine in my wildest dreams. i'm holding onto that maybe.
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
Eloisa to Abelard by Alexander Pope
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