Tuesday, February 22, 2011

i lied.


i figure it's about time i finally confront this or maybe it's just that now i'm wholeheartedly committed to make a fresh start. either way, i'm acknowledging and believing that sometimes things have to fall apart in order to make room for something much greater. thus, this week i began to pray very simply for God to renew my mind, heal my heart and give me eyes to see His perspective.
as expected and feared i started crying, uncontrollably, as God began to unlock very specific, painful memories that i never wished to revisit. since the beginning of the new year, i've been in denial about certain things that occurred. and after an atrocious night when i couldn't imagine how anything could get any worse, my heart shut down and i lost my mind the next day when the cops came to my house and eluded to the possibility of sis being kidnapped/missing with her car abandoned in a shady area. frantic and utterly hysterical, i believed i was being punished by losing the most important person in my life. (obviously, it turned out she was totally fine). although it's very uncharacteristic of me to do so, i brushed everything under the rug, just incredibly desperate to erase it all & be the stronger one. i accepted apologies almost arrogantly & very coldly saying "i already know you're sorry" & "it's fine" like a robot. all my actions were very matter of fact and proud, never allowing this person to see me cry or give any hint that i might be hurt. subconsciously, i just continued to play along but in the back of my mind i always knew things weren't ok, not even a little bit. maybe it was just about not losing or giving him the satisfaction. i also just wanted to be the merciful one, forgiving quickly and saying that i'll still pray for him because i still loved him as my friend. as twisted as it sounds, i extended grace only as a defense mechanism because this was easier than admitting how much i was hurting inside.
but now i'm realizing that by pretending to be strong and put together, i was denying myself the opportunity to properly grieve for the incident. for the first time ever, i confessed (to God and myself) that it's NOT ok. i lied when i said it was. it's not as if i'm retracting my forgiveness or holding a grudge. i'm just trying to face reality, albeit harsh and daunting, and receive real healing so i can move on, healthy and whole. truthfully, i feel like i put myself in this predicament in the first place by believing i was strong enough for the both of us. i tried to fix something that had no quick solution & save someone i had no control over. so during this whole process, i'm learning to genuinely forgive myself too and discovering that i should be unapologetic about putting myself first when necessary. no more lies or putting on a front. God, i need Your restoration all over again.

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