surprised by love

You never said it would be easy.

There are certain days where I'm unsure if they actually occured. I vaguely remember waking up and falling asleep again at some point, but all the details are blurred. It's almost as if the whole day was just a nightmare I wished I could wake up from but when I finally did, I was terrified to discover it wasn't a dream at all, but reality.
And in reality I spent the entire day praying that I could somehow take back the previous one. Like, God, let me please relive that day and do things differently, or erase certain blocks of time, or just completely bypass it all as if it never existed. And when that doesn't work (because why would it?) I cry into my pillow until there are no tears left to shed and I'm too exhausted to pray anymore.
I'll wake up fully prepared to feel the same, because afterall, it was just yesterday. But even in the midst of feeling like garbage and utterly hopeless, I unexpectedly find peace and more love than I thought was possible, especially so soon. Beyond all reason and despite the circumstances, something that I really can't explain or quite put into words lifts me up and fills me with hope. And although it doesn't make sense, I know this hope is real. I'm not saying I don't cry still, just trying to take long breaks in between.
It's only during those rare and feared instances that we discover just how strong we really are. We don't fully comprehend our capacity to endure adversity and overcome horrific hardships until we're in the thick of it, already on our way out. And moreover, it's particularly during a crisis when we realize how incredibly and perfectly loved we are, regardless of how undeserving we feel or how resistant we may be. We come to understand more tangibly this grace that really saves and a love that truly heals.
It's scary to admit our need of anything or anyone. But it's when we're left with no alternative and the object of our necessity comes through and is there over and over again that it becomes something beautiful and safe. The point is, we never know what's going to happen tomorrow. Our lives can change in a hot second, beyond our planning, past our control of trying so hard to avoid. Afterall, even the most perfect days have the potential to end in rain. But when we know there's someone who will carry us through it all, surprising us with love and even joy, it's not so bad.

You took my mourning and turned it into dancing.
You took my weeping and turned it into laughing.
You took my sadness and turned it into joy.


*for k & j.