all that glitters.

...is not gold. In fact, it's meaningless and superficial. Many would consider this point of view honorable, even noble. But when the same apathetic feelings are projected toward life itself, it's flirting with danger. (Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless!- see Ecclesiastes). How do you resolve and eventually overcome the sense that nothing we say/do/feel has any purpose? How would anyone be expected to wake up in the morning & be able to face the many challenges of the day, all the while feeling so overwhelmed and completely uninspired at the same time? I could be too much or not enough and it just wouldn't matter; it would make no impact whatsoever. Suffering from 'post vacation depression' (a term which deemed me "spoiled" by some friends), this is precisely what I felt all last week. I was consistently surrounded by others but still felt indescribably lonely and empty. Like Eve when she discovered she was naked, but definitely not as tragic or dramatic, I was suddenly aware of a painful void inside, eating away at any contentment that was left in me. But ironically, I couldn't even feel terrified. I simply felt nothing. If this is what I'm going to experience every time I come back from a tropical retreat, I'd rather relinquish the opportunity & stay put in NJ...actually, I immediately retract this statement (there's just so much beauty out there. Phew! Good thing I snapped out of that). But I'm digressing from my initial point. Eventually, I couldn't stand the indifference any longer. I'm typically not one to feel nothing. It was yet another instance that made me so desperate and hungry for God. I'm all too complacent singing and reading about Jesus being the reason and sufficient for my every need, but to remove the cliche and realize and accept this as the absolute truth is another thing. I couldn't quite articulate what I believed could remedy my predicament but I knew I needed something to penetrate through this exhausting funk. So I prayed a very elementary and humble prayer: "God, show me you love me." If I was forced to describe accurately in words what followed after this plea to God, it wouldn't do justice to the rescuing relief that I got from His divine intervention. Over the course of the next few days, the underlying panic gradually dissipated and was replaced with the assurance that I matter and my life is exceedingly significant. It was as if God had record of every time I belly laughed or shed tears that I would rather not recall. In retrospect, I see that the problem resided when I focused too much on myself, my needs/wants, my issues. But when I shifted my gaze and direction at someone infinitely greater than me, I was able to once again grasp my identity as royalty, a child of the King. Just as in the way physical pain & discomfort may be an indicator that we are not 100% healthy, the awareness of the absence of God similarly reveals the need for a routine checkup and minor operations. And I think it's OK to admit that we are not OK and need help every once in a while. It's all part of the process of becoming less like the world and more like Jesus, from glory to glory.